“When we avoid difficult conversations, we trade short-term inconveniences for long-term malfunctions.” ~Peter Bromberg
Have you ever looked around other people’s lives and wondered?How do they do this? ”
How stable do they seem to be?
From where I stand there is a certain type of person – a person who is confident, kind, considerate and easy in her relationship. And because she enjoys her relationship, she seems to enjoy her life.
I am not her.
For a long time, I thought I was “good” in my relationship because I avoided face-to-face conversations. But since I did not express my feelings, I left it at that.
I remember one night telling my boyfriend that it was good for him to go out with his friends. But when he got home, I was very angry with him for leaving.
He asked if I was OK and I replied, “I’m fine,” as he did not look at me or make eye contact. I continued to take my photos out loud and commented under my breath, “It must be good to go out without me.”
All I wanted to say was, “Can you go out with your friends one more night because I want to stay in the movies together?” But asking in person was too difficult, so I complained instead.
I want to be a “cool woman” – easy, carefree and low maintenance. But the truth is, I’m pretending. Many things bothered me. I just do not know how to say it. And that unspoken frustration leaked out the way I presented it – with stress, distance and protection.
This is just who I think I am.
And because I did not know the difference, I did not ask.
Then everything changed.
My first love is gone and the world as I know it is gone.
Even though I follow the same path, things look different. What used to feel important – keeping in touch with friends and family, eating, what to wear to work – is no longer an issue.
I remember lying on the floor covered with paper towels, knowing something I had never understood before: no one could take away my pain and make it better for me.
If I were to continue living – if I were to find a way through this – I would have to do it myself.
So I started searching.
I went to school. I went to a workshop. I read everything I could shake my hand. And a theme keeps popping up again and again: The way we communicate, the way we experience our lives.
I finally found myself at a writing and meditation workshop at the Shambhala Center in New York City. It was there that I learned meditation, the first time I sat down with myself without judgment and evaluation, and was instructed on the Buddhist principles of proverbs, to speak truthfully, kindly, and helpfully.
Something is pressed.
I began to see that my suffering was not just what happened to me, but also the way I relate to my thoughts, feelings, and other people. Excessive thinking, emotional reactions, internal stress – they are not fixed in part who I am. They are role models.
And the pattern can change.
If I want to change my life, I have to change the way I express myself in it – the way I speak, the way I listen, the way I relate to myself and others.
So I treated it like an experiment.
What will happen if I practice honesty, kindness and clarity?
I remember how nervous I was when my friend asked me how I felt about the man she was dating. Normally I would say I think he is good and that I would be happy if she, while quiet inside, I feel the opposite.
Instead, I looked at her. I paused. And I realized that my intention was to be honest, kind and helpful, so I said, “I think you deserve someone who really treats you kindly and supports you, and I did not see him. The conversation did not explode. She did not become a defender. She thought for a moment what I said.”
Every morning I would wake up and set a goal that I would like to present that day for myself and others. It is a gentle intention to know that I am likely to stray from it, and my job is to notice when I stray, acknowledge it, and bring my attention back to my intentions.
At first it was not easy. It means noticing when I want to shut up or speak out, and instead expressing myself and what is really happening to me.
It means learning how to pause so I can stop myself from reacting in ways that are not helpful to me or others.
It means noticing the desire to lie and instead telling the truth – even when it feels uncomfortable or scary.
It means noticing how rude I am to myself and instead of being more meek and friendly.
And little by little, things started to change.
I became less passive and less judgmental. My anxiety was relieved. I began to express myself more clearly and directly. Conversations that used to be overwhelming have become uncontrollable. Even confrontation – something I have avoided at all costs – has become an opportunity for connection rather than conflict.
I remember there was a time when I started to get angry and shut up with my friends and they looked at me and said, “You are acting like a child.” In the past, I really got on my knees to defend myself and say hurtful things. But instead I looked at them and said, “You are right.”
It was the most free time for me and because of it the stress was gone and we could enjoy our time together.
This practice has not only changed the way I communicate, it has changed my relationship.
I found myself able to enter into new relationships with openness and honesty. I have experienced what a healthy relationship really feels like.
Because of this work, I respond with greater patience and understanding to my children. I was not perfect — far from it — but I was present in a way I had never been before.
And perhaps most importantly, it changed the way I interacted with myself. I do not judge and evaluate myself as often as I used to. I can see myself through friendly eyes, which means I want to see myself and make useful choices instead of hurt.
I become human and emotional and make mistakes without beating myself up and think I have to be better, different or fix it. There is now permission and acceptance of who I am, my best and my worst I have ever been.
I understand that people who seem like they “have it all” are no different than magic. They are practicing. They are repeatedly choosing how they want to present.
Intentional communication in our relationships gives us the opportunity to enjoy our lives and it is a learned practice. It is not something that just happened. It’s what we cultivate.
It is a daily practice of presence. From noticing what we are dealing with – internally and externally – and choosing what we want to nurture.
It chooses to be kind when it is easier to react.
To be honest, it is easier to be quiet.
To help us when we feel protected or scared.
Conscience has given me the tools to pause in difficult times – to put myself back in my body and respond rather than react.
And in the meanwhile I found something I did not know I was looking for:
A way to live – and speak – that feels real.
About Cynthia Kane
Cynthia Kane is a communications coach, psychology teacher, and best-selling author who helps keep people calm, clear, and kind in difficult conversations. She has helped more than 70,000 people through her training books, workshops and training programs. Cynthia combines Buddhist wisdom, practice of mindfulness, and practical communication tools to help people communicate more intentionally with themselves and others. She is the author of four books, her latest book. Pause principle: How to keep your cool in a difficult situation. Visit her at cynthiakane.com.
