We are truly free when we give up the idea that the past may or should not be different from what it once was. This is very difficult.
Challenges arise from our desperate need to express our feelings and experiences. It often feels like we are invalidating ourselves if we abandon the idea that the past should be different. We go through hell, many experiences that most people do not know, and at first it feels so destructive to leave it like it never happened. Where is the justice?
I know; I was there. Frankly, I still have time to take this idea and put it into practice for a while because it feels like the right thing to do. In order to respect myself and my experience, I have to connect with the injustice of the choices others have made – choices that have had a profound effect on my life and caused me a great deal of pain.
After being married for almost nineteen years, my husband, my high school sweetheart, told me he was gay and had never been interested in me.
I promise I know it hurts. I spent weeks wrestling with myself, trying to think of all the things that could or could not have happened to avoid a situation that hurt me so much.
Things like the wishes I paid attention to the red flag when we made my appointment to listen to my therapist for years when they tried to get me to work on the issues between my husband and me, wishing I had never met him or he was honest with me (which is best for both of us because I’m sure the lie hurt him too). There are many things I wish I could change. It seems unbearable at times.
For months, I did not want to consider accepting my facts. This felt like the worst thing I could do. The rejection I encountered during my marriage was not what I wanted for anyone.
Was I surprised when my ex-husband told me he was gay? This is very difficult to answer. I knew something was wrong. I know I feel crazy and invisible and ugly. The number of nights I went to bed with tears due to being invisible to the man I married was too many to count.
Now that I’m finally living in reality, how do I move forward? There was a mountain of misery for twenty years that I was stuck with. I personally find this fact the worst: the choices of others can cut us to the core. Others can hurt us, and the only way to live a healthy and fulfilling life is to connect with other people.
I can not tell you, countless nights, this fact woke me up. I want to live on the island alone more than anything. Over the years, I have convinced myself that I can be self-sufficient. I will earn my own money and take care of my own needs. I do not want to do anything with being close enough to be lied to, cheated and abused anymore.
I wish it worked. I wish there was a way, but I came here to tell you no.
You can go that way; Believe me, I tried. It brings more emptiness and pain.
The fact is that we have a hard wire for connection. We are mammals. We must have others to survive. Those who grow up have a deep, meaningful love affair. They feel the highest level and the pain of the lowest level when someone breaks the trust. This is a human experience.
Unfortunately, some of us have experienced deeper pain, but what I do know for sure is that we all have healing abilities.
I had to redefine the meaning of letting go. It will not mean that my ex-husband’s choice is okay. I never say pain is worth it or not. Twenty years of living in a shark relationship will be fine. There are always days when I feel hurt and sad from the past. Thankfully, those days are far apart, but they certainly still happen.
Leaving is a sad feeling of my reality so I can accept what I can not change. I can not change his lies. I could not change my choices to believe them. I can not change that I have given up myself and my needs for the benefit of him and our children. I can not change it.
I could feel that deep pain and sorrow until it stopped torturing me. When I allow myself to feel sitting in those feelings for as long as I need to, I assert myself. I do not wait for the day when he or someone else confirms my experience.
No one can know the true depth of our pain. The day we sit in our closets and cry or cry ourselves to sleep. We can prove it for ourselves. We can share our stories to let others know that they are not alone in their pain.
I know that many readers know that I am in pain. Your story may be different, but your pain is not. If you feel stuck in moving forward, know that the greatest gift you can give yourself is to fully embrace your feelings. “Go there,” as they say.
You do not have to do it alone. Allow your therapist, mentor, or trusted friend to sit with you while you feel the depths of all your emotions. There is freedom on the other side. I promise. It is not perfect; My sorrow does not go away forever, but I am free. I do not have his choice and I am free to create a life that I do not know I can dream for myself while I am still stuck in his network.
Work is scary and difficult only for the brave and courageous. There are so many people here to cheer you up and stand by you as you work. Be brave and start the journey of letting go. You are worth it.
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Recently I have heard it said that compassion is the crossroads of love and sorrow. I feel like I suffered for a long time and I know my ex too. My ability to truly liberate came when I could see the suffering of my ex and lovingly let him go.
I met him with compassion. It is not easy. Compassion does not come quickly, and some days it is still difficult. We are both nurtured in a culture that values goodness and honesty rather than fun and sight.
Our tragedy is the product of laws that are more valuable and good than love, happiness, and self-expression. I know we are not the first generation to suffer from this mindset, but I pray that we are the last.
