“The person on strike is the one who has allowed the behavior of others to affect him and those who are obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” ~ Melody Beattie
From a young age, I felt insecure in my skin. I am Sensitive I later struggled with low self-esteem for the rest of my life.
Even though I have a lot of good friends and family, I always seek approval outside of myself. I grew up believing that the opinions of others were the only true representation of my core values.
As a teenager, I witnessed the collapse and eventual death of my parents’ marriage. During these years, I felt like an island.
I am often plagued by darkness and mystery. Dissatisfaction. The pain of standard adolescence gathered with the trauma of losing my family identity. In a desperate attempt to cope with these negative emotions, I sought the approval of others. When it is not given, I feel like a failure.
I’m stuck in a vicious cycle of seeking outside confirmation that I am Enough.
At school, I took on the role of a boy-crazy-comedian-girl. I want to be respected and nurtured.
I kept a list of all the cute boys at my school and spent hours dreaming about love day in a happy fairy tale.
I have always focused on finding happiness Outside My. This habit eventually leads to an inability to be satisfied unless Something or someone Giving confirmation. Most of the time I feel like me Not good enough.
This false belief led me into a decade of struggle with code dependence.
The first secret relationship I got involved with started when I was 19 years old. He was ten years older than me and he did not know me at the time, he was a cocaine addict.
Our habits are unhealthy and unproductive. We will spend our weekends drinking and playing games at the local pool hall. More than that, I spent my entire weekly wage at the end of Saturday night.
He Insult meCall my name and constantly criticize my appearance and weight. He compared me to his ex-girlfriend. I began to see myself as an incomplete person who needed major repairs and refinements. I feel so fragile that the wind can blow on me.
In an effort to maintain my self-control, I practiced a fear-free attitude. I fell in love with him. I was controlled and jealous. I need to know everything about his past. I really want him to accept me.
More than ten months we spent together, I neglected both physically and mentally. My weight dropped dramatically, thirty pounds. I was completely cut off from my family and friends. I’m very anxious and disabled Panic attack. I knew something had to change, so I mustered up the courage to leave him alone.
I thought I should get rid of this bad and unsatisfactory lifestyle, but bad habits got into my next two relationships.
I spent 4 years with someone I loved very much; However, his alcohol dependence brought back insecurity and control over my behavior.
It took us 4 years to switch between the lovely moments and the horrible battles that left us numb and discouraged.
When this relationship ended, I sought solace in another unborn partner, a partner who could not give me the stability I desperately needed.
This is characteristic of individuals on strike. We look for what we already know, but not necessarily what is good for us.
After nearly a decade of codependent hours, I finally faced myself. I realized that if I did not make significant changes, I would be stuck forever in a life that was not conducive to my spiritual and emotional growth.
In a scene similar to Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, pray, love Breaking the bathroom, I was confronted with music. I got a small apartment for myself and started my recovery.
The first few days spent alone were really torturous. I cried and cried. I have trouble doing basic work, such as walking my dog or shopping for groceries. I turned completely inside, nurturing my turmoil like an old friend. Anxiety – Cycling and loneliness I did the only thing I could think of: I asked for help.
The first step I took was to order a Melody Beattie book. Codependent is no more. This is probably the most important self-improvement book I have ever read. I felt the weight being lifted as I read page by page.
I was finally able to understand all the attitudes, feelings, and emotions I had struggled with for so long. I am the case, my highlight textbook states that I have completed the “Strike Checklist”. Maybe some of these questions will speak to you as well.
- Do you feel responsible for other people – their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, desires, needs, well-being and destiny?
- Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or try to take care of their emotions?
- Do you find it easier to feel and express anger over the injustice done to others than about the injustice done to you?
- Do you feel most secure and comfortable when you give to others?
- Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives it to you?
- Do you feel empty, bored, and worthless if you do not have someone else to take care of the problem or crisis?
- Can you often stop talking, thinking, and worrying about others and their problems?
- Do you lose interest in your life when you are in love?
- Are you in a relationship that does not work and is tolerant of abuse to keep your loved one?
- Do you leave bad relationships to create new ones that do not work?
(You can read more about Habits and examples of people who are on strike here.)
After acknowledging my code dependency, I connected with an online support group for family members of alcoholics / alcoholics. This gave me a platform to share my story without judgment, and gradually I recovered from my pain.
The most important things I learned on this journey were:
1. Without change, nothing changes.
This is a simple but profound fact. It’s reminiscent of Einstein’s definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. The cycle of code dependence can only be overcome by creating and nurturing a great romantic relationship with yourself. Otherwise, you will find yourself in an unhealthy and unrelated relationship.
2. We can not control others and it is not our job to do so.
Over the years, I have constantly tried to control and control the behavior of others to escape my negative emotions.
I chose a partner with alcohol and drugs. I often choose men who are angry and avoid. Focusing on what is Wrong with them.I can ignore what is Empty and not filled In me.
I thought foolishly that this would give me a sense of stability. In fact, it did the opposite. Submission to the need to control others gives us the necessary space to connect with ourselves.
3. Love and obsession are not the same.
I have been wrong for many years that love and obsession are the same thing. I gave so much of myself to my partner that I did not really think this was the way to happiness.
I have learned that healthy love requires both partners to have different personal identities than romantic relationships. Spending time alone with friends and working on personal projects allows you to really connect when you are together without feeling overwhelmed. We build trust when we can afford to give ourselves and our partner some room to breathe.
For many years I Ignore my personal needs. I now prioritize personal time to individual activities: reading, writing, walking, reflection. I began to recover as I learned to incorporate self-love rituals into my life. All I like to do is spend the evening bathing in hot bubbles, lighting candles and listening to Alan Watts lecture.
4. Life is not an emergency.
This is a big deal! I have consistently lived in a state of high stress – fear of people, abandonment, and life itself.
I worry so much about everything that is out of my control – often other people. I know now that life is meant to be enjoyable and tasteful. Good and bad things will happen, but with a central heart and balance, we can overcome any obstacles.
The key to balance for me is to live life to the fullest, accepting life for what it is. Even when I feel down, I realize that the universe has my back and everything in life is exposed as it should be.
If you do not have this belief, it may help to remember that. You Have your back and you can handle whatever comes your way. When you believe in yourself and focus on yourself instead of others, it is easier to enjoy life and stop living in fear.
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I have gathered a team of coaches and superheroes who have helped me tremendously over the years in my quest for self-improvement. I have loving support and encouragement from many sources. It is my dream to be able to give something back to the world. I hope I did it with this post.
About Ariane Michaud
When not eating all the foreign stories she can shake hands with, Ariane likes to scare with her piglets and runs tirelessly along the path towards self-fulfillment. Even though she is over-prepared, she is lonely when she is in love.
