“Expectations are the root of all pain” ~ William Shakespeare
I am forty years old. And now I just found something I wish someone had told me at the age of twenty.
Most of my pain – the kind that sits in my chest for days, the kind that makes me replay the conversation at 2am, the kind that makes me wonder if something is wrong with me – is definitely not from someone else.
It comes from what I Expect They to do.
I know. That is not an easy thing to hear. It was also not easy for me.
My mother never knew she was teaching me.
Growing up, I watched my mother suffer. Someone will say something careless and she will be quiet for days. A small betrayal will keep her devastated for weeks.
As a kid, I used to sit with it and think,Why do we suffer? Those people certainly do not care. So why does it hurt us so much? ”
I think I understand. I told myself I would be different. I will not let people touch me like they hurt her.
But this is a story about the emotional patterns we grow up around – we don’t choose it. They just become part of how we see the world quietly. And as an adult, I inherited what I was trying to avoid.
I expect too much from people. And when they can’t, I get sick like her.
I just have not seen it in a long time.
Silent contract, I write it all myself.
In college, I was a real person. No drama, no fake smiles, no saying one thing and meaninging another. I appeared for people.
I listened. I helped. I really care and I did not hide it.
And somewhere deep, I believe all this will come back to me. Not because someone promised to do it. Because it seems fair, right?
I watched other girls, charms, who knew exactly what to say and laugh at the right time, building a big social circle without much effort. And I sat there really and honestly, and I probably had two people who really called me.
It bites harder than I ever admit.
Looking back, I can see what is happening. I have this invisible contract in my head:
If I am kind, people should include me.
If I’m really with them, they should value me.
If I care, they should care.
No one agreed to this. I write it alone. But when people don’t follow through, I feel really betrayed – like they broke a promise they never made.
Marriage is not fixed – it just makes it clearer
I came to the thought of getting married, “Okay, now that I’m older and more mature, I understand people better. This is where honesty can be obtained.”
I did everything I thought a good partner should do. I gave without keeping the score. I did not make the claim. I am honest, I am present, I am patient.
But I began to notice something I really did not want to see. Some good people seem to love you very much. They say the right words, they act as a part, but at the bottom they mostly think of themselves.
And because I always assume that people are as honest as I am, I am the last person to solve this problem.
Every time it happens, the same old question arises: Why do I always give more than I do? Why do so many worries make me feel lonely?
For a long time, my answer was that people were selfish.
But that is an easy answer. Real things take longer to find.
Things I really do not want to accept
It’s okay. This is the hard part.
People really do not fail me. People just know who they are.
I was the one who kept expecting them to be someone else.
I expect emotional honesty from people who have never learned how to be emotionally honest. I expect honesty from people who do not think about relationships as I did. I expect depth from people who live faithfully on the surface – and that’s who.
And when they could not give me what I expected, I turned it into an injury. Then I blamed them for the injuries.
I do not just react to what is really happening. I was reacting to the story I wrote in my head about how that story. Should Go. And when real life does not match, it feels like a loss, even though no one has promised me anything.
That was when things started to change for me.
The real reason why people disappoint us
Most people who disappoint us do not sit down and think about how we are doing. They just live their lives operating from any mental capacity they have, shaped by their history and trauma.
Some people like it very much. Some people show love by just being quiet and never saying much. Some people will give you their last rupee, but can not sit with your emotions for five minutes.
Some people are warm with everyone but close to no one.
Nothing makes them bad. It just makes them different from you.
Problems start when we decide Ours. The way of love is standard. That if someone does not match, they are doing wrong. That is where misery lives – in the gap between how we think people Should Attitudes and who they are.
People are not mirrors. They will not always reflect what you give them. And when I actually accepted it, something in me was really relieved.
Five things that help me heal
I do not want to describe only the problem. I want to tell you what has made a difference for me practicing from day to day.
1. Say things out loud rather than hoping they will understand.
Most of my expectations have completely calmed down. I never told anyone what I needed. I just guess they should know and then feel the pain when they do not.
Now when I need something I try to tell the truth. It felt uncomfortable at first. But it works better than waiting and quietly calming down.
2. Curiosity instead of pain.
When someone disappointed me, I began to ask myself, ‘What is it? Of them. Relationship with this? Those who can not provide warmth usually do not get much. People who withdraw when they feel may be aware of the initial feeling of insecurity.
This understanding does not mean that I accept bullying. It just means I stop accepting their own limits.
3. Stop counting.
I used to follow without meaning to everything I gave and very little return. The invisible scoreboard is exhausted.
The actual connection does not work like a notebook. If I give because I want something in return, I do not really give – I’m making a contract. Now I try to give because it feels right to give.
And if a persistent relationship makes me feel empty, I take it as information.
4. Let frustration tell you something useful.
Every time something hurts me, there is finally something to learn from it. Boundaries that I have not set. The need I was looking for was in the wrong place. The pattern I continue to repeat.
Disappointment is not a punishment. It usually points to something real.
5. Defend your peace before you need it, not after.
I used to go back when I was sick. Now I try to pay attention before – do I bend over to keep this person comfortable? Do I hope someone will give me something they have shown me again and again, they can not give?
I try to catch it before it costs me
My life looks like this now
I want to be clear, I did not get anywhere. I still feel deep. I’m still in pain.
But it looks different now.
Now, when I feel that old sickness – thinking, “Why don’t they care?– I can catch it faster. I might ask myself, “Wait, what do I expect here? Did I really say what I needed? Can this person provide me?”
Sometimes I let people know for sure without having to be different.
Sometimes I choose to walk away from a relationship, not out of anger, just to be clear.
Sometimes I sit with the quiet truth that not everyone will love me as much as I do – and I am not as isolated from it as I used to be.
I still care. I do not want to stop caring. The concern is mine.
But I am learning to pay attention without tying my peace to the results.
If this sounds familiar
If you are someone who feels too much, gives too much and has spent years wondering why honesty does not seem to protect you from pain, I understand.
You are not too sensitive. You do not ask too much. You are not broken.
You just believe something that many good people believe that if you love good people they will love you as before.
Sometimes they do. But not always. And that is the painful part of humanity.
What helped me the most was: My peace does not have to depend on what others do.
I can be warm, I can be real, I can keep my attention and still refuse to give my inner life to the limits of others.
That is what forty years finally taught me. And honestly, I think it’s probably the most important thing I know.
About Jyoti Yadav
Jyoti Yadav writes about living a minimalist life and seeking clarity in a world that is often overwhelming. Her life journey reflects experiences that many readers can relate to, making her writing truly authentic and deeply personal. Through her articles, she shares real-life insights that help readers explore a complex world with greater ease, purpose, and peace of mind. You can find out more about her work at jyotisimplelife.com.
