Key points:
- Loving your parents and setting boundaries with them can be at the same time.
- As an adult, you need to decide what feels healthy, safe and respectful in your relationship.
- Every time you respect your boundaries, you remind yourself that your needs are also important.
At some point you realize that no one is teaching you how to set boundaries with your parents, you just keep absorbing their expectations until you can no longer know which needs are yours.
Setting boundaries with family feels different because others show up uninvited by dragging old letters about loyalty and duty with it.
Maybe you spent the night exploring how to set boundaries with your parents at 2am or replay the conversation, wondering how to say no to your parents without sounding like you are completely rejecting them.
Here’s what helps: Boundaries never speak from a distance. Finally, they are building something real with people who feed you off the resentment that silence often causes.
How to set boundaries with your parents.
Many articles have been written about demarcation in Emotions And Friendship. But demarcation with their families, especially their parents, is often considered unlimited.
Even as we reach adulthood, it can be difficult to compete with parental authority and insist on changing the situation. Consider my client Helen.
Related: Set boundaries that do not bind us
Helen’s sister Rebecca frightened Helen as an adult and a teenager. Rebecca, over 10 years old, Helen beats her, steals from her, yells at her and tries to break her every turn. But all of these abuses took place in secret.
Rebecca will act normally in front of their parents, but Hyde will show up as soon as they turn their heads. Despite the secrecy, Helen felt that her parents must have known something was happening.
Helen will ask not to be alone with Rebecca. She was always covered in cuts and bruises.
She exhibits anxious behavior at home, drowsiness, insomnia and Trichotillomania (Removes her hair) which will disappear when she goes to camp every summer.
When she left for college, Helen began to see a therapist on campus and began to process what happened to her. By the time she got home, she had a psychological discussion with her parents, outlining what had happened.
Helen describes the fear of Rebecca and the anger at them for not protecting her. Her parents receive guests. They both cried and did not see what was happening and stepped inside.
They admitted they knew something was “off” about Rebecca but ignored it. Helen feels very good about this conversation.
Helen also tells them that she will not be able to spend time with her family until she is ready to face Rebecca, who she feels is impossible.
Her parents seemed to accept the decision, but a week before Thanksgiving, her mother reached out to Helen to reconsider. After all, the past is in the past and they are still family.
Helen was impressed and everyone pretended nothing happened for the next 10 years.
Helen came to me six months pregnant with her second child, a girl. She already had a three-year-old daughter, but as soon as she became pregnant, she was overwhelmed with panic and nightmares.
Her painful childhood memories are back. This time, when she told her parents she was in trouble, they turned cold. They asked about her memory and reduced her memory of what happened.
They warned her not to say anything to Rebecca and accused her of trying to break up the family. The conversation ended with Helen’s mother saying “Why can’t you skip this!” And knock on the phone.
“The most painful thing” Helen told me “They know the truth. They know she has a problem, but they want me to pretend everything is good because they are afraid of her.”
Helen’s assessment sounds right to me. Women are often asked to walk the “high road” as if ignoring abuse is a moral victory. Helen repeatedly tried to set boundaries with her parents to limit her exposure to Rebecca.
They thwarted her efforts at every turn, instead reprimanding her for her anger and abusing her to pretend to be the perfect family.
The last straw happened when Helen’s mother, who had been instructed not to leave Helen’s children alone with Rebecca, ran to the grocery store and did so.
Although nothing bad happened during that time, Helen was upset as her parents made it clear: they would not let her set boundaries with them or her sister. Shortly after the event, Helen came to me.
“What is the story you are telling yourself about how you are treated in your family?” I asked.
“I’m telling myself that I have no problem that no one will stand up for me and that I can not set boundaries with my family.” Helen answered.
“That was true when you were young. Children depend on the adults around them and are in a terrible situation if they are not protected. But who does not respect your limits now?”
Helen saw where I went with this.
“Me. I do not respect my personal limits. I am waiting for permission and help from them, but I do not have to.” She cries for several minutes, then sits upright in a chair and breathes slowly. “I’m a big woman, I can do whatever I want.
Helen took a break from meeting all her parents, allowing them to return gradually but with strict limits.
They are not allowed on their own with the children, visits always take place at Helen’s house and Helen’s holidays are spent with her husband’s family.
When her parents responded, Helen said emphatically: “Either I am comfortable or have no visits at all.”
Related: Healthy Personal Borders: Why Boundaries Keep You Safe
Relationships that silence us are the biggest problem. But here’s the good news: No matter how old you are, your relationships are broken or sometimes the people in your life are scary, you can always change.
You can always learn how to speak, take risks and know your worth. You can experiment, practice, make mistakes and move on.
Adults are not trapped in relationships. Adults can choose who they allow into their lives.
Written by Tonya Lester
Originally Appeared on Tonya Lester
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
1. 4 What is C’s of boundary?
The four boundaries of C give you a simple and practical way to keep your land instead of just thinking about it in your head. Clarity means knowing exactly what you need before you try to explain it to others. Communicating honestly without exaggerating or apologizing for existing issues. Consistency means not holding back someone who pushes you back or hurts you. And courage is the hardest part of proving yourself, even when it feels awkward or scary at first.
2. What are some examples of family boundaries?
Family boundaries can seem like telling your parents that you will not discuss your relationship status every holiday or ask a sibling to knock on the door before entering your room, even an adult. It can mean determining how often you visit, saying no to parental advice, not asking for or refusing to be a family mediator during a conflict. Financial boundaries are also important, such as not borrowing money you can not lose. Even something as small as the end of a call that turns into a critique counts.
3. What are the signs of a weak border?
Frankly, the biggest sign is just saying yes when everything in you is shouting no. You feel guilty, at fault, disagree, at fault for having needs at all. You end up taking on other people’s feelings like yours to deal with. Sharing too fast, tolerance for things that bother you, just keep the peace, need regular approval, that’s all part of it. Basically, if you have the last one on your list all the time, your frontier needs a job.
