“True love comes from understanding” ~ Buddha
I believe that one of our strongest desires in life is empathy.
We want to know that people see our good intentions and not just get them from somewhere but get them We.
We want to know about them. See Us. They recognize thoughts, feelings and Resistance Which embodies our choices and they are not only empathetic but also communicative. And maybe they would do the same if they were in our shoes.
Maybe if they go where we used to go, if they see what we see, they will stand where we are now in the same circumstances, with the same beliefs, make the same choices.
Under all this Probably Is the desire to feel valid.
We are social animals and we thrive when we feel owned. That requires a certain sense of security that relies on a sense of worth and Accept. But those feelings do not always come easily.
There was a time when my relationship felt incredibly insecure. I never felt understood or affirmed, and worse, I often felt that others did not care to understand me.
When you are a person who maintains the comfort of awareness, it can give you a sense of energy. And it also creates a sense of separation that for some feels safer than intimacy.
This person always assumed that I was the worst – that I was selfish and weak – and explained what I did through this lens.
They will despise my faith and my thoughts, as they guarantee either consideration or respect.
And they even laugh at me when I try to share my thoughts and feelings, reducing not only my views but also my personality. Like I am not worth it. Like I do not deserve to hear. Like I do not deserve respect.
It hurts.
It hurts to feel that someone does not care where you come from or hear what you have to say.
It hurts to feel that someone is determined to confuse you rather than create a general feeling.
It hurts to feel invalid.
We often take that pain as anger. Or at least that’s what I did.
I fought. I shouted. I cried. I tried to force them to see my basic goodness and see the world from my point of view.
I tried to put my will on them – the will to value and listen – regardless of whether they were willing or able to give me politeness. And I hurt myself so much every time I showed this madness with the wrath of righteousness.
Because of people Should Try to understand. People Should Respect each other. People Should Be kind and loving and open. Because it will make the world feel safe.
But here’s what I learned: Should Always a trap. Things will not be what we think they are, and resisting them only hurts us.
But more importantly, there is something more empowering than trying to force others to become the person we think they should be, and that is the individual.
In this case, I know that means understanding people who do not agree or may not understand me.
Remember what I wrote about separation feeling safer than intimacy?
This is a huge insight for me. That may be when someone does not seem to want to hug me knowingly, even more so that they can not let me in for reasons I may not know.
I actually dug a lot to try to understand what would make someone – and especially this person – shut down understanding. What pain can make their heart so strong? As often happens when you dig, I find a lot to explain it.
I have found unresolved trauma that is likely to lead to feelings of shame and deep vulnerability – which is likely to be incorporated into the need to stay strong. Inaccessible. And when you can not get in, not much can get in. Not a new idea and certainly not trying to connect deeply. Which is really sad when you think about it.
Surely it hurts to feel that someone does not understand you. But can you imagine the pain of rarely understanding someone because letting someone into your heart really hurts? Can you imagine living a life of constant sex, fear of hiding, and perhaps unconsciousness?
I believe that when someone will not make an effort to understand us, this usually happens to: The intense pain that prevents them from falling in love.
They can be closed for everyone. Or specific ideas that trigger something from their past. Or maybe we ourselves are the cause.
Maybe we remind them of something they want to forget. Maybe our presence forces them to face something they want to avoid.
I remember reading an article about the controversial relationship that women often have with their mothers-in-law. The author uses, for example, a mother-in-law who often complains about her son-in-law’s chair, then writes, “You never know. She may have been raped on a couch that looks like you.”
This makes me strong. The idea that everyone is in pain secretly seeks out the shame that often manifests itself in painful attitudes.
I know I’ve been there before. Even though I was not proud to accept it, I shut people out or shut them down because they were causing me pain. Knowing this, I understand how pain can bring the worst in us.
This consideration does not imply disrespect or abuse of any kind. It is no exception to abuse. But if we really Want Awareness is probably the key Select Awareness.
Perhaps the secret is to broaden our horizons beyond what will make us feel safe for a while, so we can do our part to help create a greater sense of security for everyone we meet.
Perhaps by choosing to give understanding, we can influence people around us to treat their pain so that one day they can open their hearts wider. When they are ready. When They. Feeling safe.
So what is the best thing to say to someone who does not understand you? I think it’s “I understand you can not understand”.
I think it’s taking others away from where they are, even if you do not know where they are coming from or what motivates them.
Because even though we do not know the specifics, we can know that there are some explanations, some complex networks of past events and psychological factors that make them who they are and how they are.
This is not easy to do.
It often requires us to set boundaries, whether it means avoiding certain conversations or even creating physical distances in that relationship.
It requires us to pause and connect with our deepest intentions before reacting anxiously and angrily.
And it also requires us to grieve and give up the relationship we hope to have, knowing that we are giving sympathy and consideration to someone they may not be able to give back to us.
I am happy to know that this is a higher path, not because I feel higher on higher ground, but because it is less painful there – for me and for everyone I have encountered in my life.
When I choose to make the change I want to see, it does not matter to me that everyone sees me, values me, gets me and understands my good intentions – because I Do because I Know that I come from a place of love, kindness, and righteousness.
And this is a solid foundation for exploring a world full of hurt people who are unprepared or unloved.
** If this story appeals to you, I invite you to check out my new post. Founder Friday: Letter from Lori Newsletter For stories and insights from me that are not on the blog. If you want to try it, you can. Get your first month for free here. Your subscription also supports Tiny Buddha and keeps the site going.
