⏱ 5 minutes to read • July 24, 2026
How women earn less in the workplace has nothing to do with ability. Expert Eli Gottlieb presents three overlooked behaviors in the workplace.
Asking for extra at work often means enduring the discomfort and learning the “no”.
Highlights
- Women can be judged more strongly than men for starting salary negotiations.
- If you ask less than someone, then you are negotiating against yourself.
- Suspicion or pause can be a negotiation strategy, not evidence that you have damaged the relationship.
- The first “no” often indicates what is important to the other party and makes new possibilities visible.
“I know you are right, but I can not ask for it. I do not want to look greedy or ungrateful. I know I will excel in the new jobs they offer me and they have to spend at least a lot to hire outsiders. But I like working here. I do not want to ruin my relationship with them.”
Sound familiar? I have heard versions of this from many clients while coaching them through salary negotiations. Even tight-knit executives who push hard negotiations with customers and suppliers can turn to jelly when negotiating their own salaries.
Read more: Why Chaos in the Workplace Makes Women Achieve Higher Levels
“Good girl” trap
This trend is not unique to women, but it seems to be more pronounced among them. Research has shown that gender differences are marked, especially when women fear that asking for more will make them seem more aggressive or demanding.
That fear is completely unreasonable. But it can set the trap for “good girls”: women reduce their questions before someone refuses, interpreting stress, normal negotiation as a relationship breakdown, and treating “no” as the end of a conversation rather than the beginning of it.
3 ways women are less committed and how to negotiate for more
1. Reduce questions
Instead of asking for what they want, people always ask for what they imagine the other party will accept. Before negotiations begin, they negotiate with the other party and arrive with a compromise request in advance.
This could mean weakening the question by immediately apologizing, making concessions, filling up on uncomfortable silence, or reassuring the other party that you understand if the answer is no.
Instead, decide what you want before the discomfort persuades you to want less. Write down your opening proposal, your actual goals and the minimum you will accept. Then make a request and stop talking!
2. Misconceptions, discomfort for damage
People do not like to be uncomfortable. Negotiations often involve discomfort, and women who initiate salary negotiations can be More fines than men.
But hesitation, suspicion, or opposition is not proof that the relationship itself is damaged. Expect to pause, push back and claim your request is “difficult”. These can be the openings of others.
As John Kerry once mentioned. “If it is a good negotiation, all parties will not be comfortable.” Negotiations in which both sides are uncomfortable may not have reached the most important point.
3. Listening “no” to the end is not the beginning.
Another common mistake is to consider “no” as proof that negotiations have failed. This tendency is less gender-specific, although women who negotiate for themselves can agree more quickly after experiencing resistance.
Former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss argues that a well-managed “no” could indicate the other party’s obstacles and priorities. Negotiators who seek out missing information tend to understand the situation better and reach a better agreement.
So treat “no” as data, not as a decision. Instead of agreeing or arguing, ask: “Which part does not work for you? “What are the main obstacles?” “Is there anything that needs to be changed to make it possible?”
You may find that “no” means not at that price, not on that schedule, or not without the consent of others. Curiosity can create a great offer while showing that you take the concerns of others seriously.
Read more: 3 ways women respond to stress differently from men
Road to more
No matter what gender you are, you do not have to choose between serious negotiation and intimacy. You just have to stop sacrificing your own needs to avoid pushing. Making the question complete allows the conversation to become uncomfortable and continues to be curious when the answer is “no”. The path to more begins with the courage to ask and the nerves to negotiate.
If you are facing negotiations at work and have Anxiety About making questions or struggling to continue in conversation, consider some sessions with an expert negotiation coach. You will improve the results of your current negotiations and gain important skills for future negotiations.
And best of all, coaching pays for itself immediately with better pay and conditions than you can handle on your own. Negotiation is very difficult. You do not have to do it alone. Invest in getting the salary you deserve. You are worth it.
Written by Eli Gottlieb Ph.D.
Originally appeared on Psychology Today
