Author’s note: Can parental fatigue outweigh fatigue or be a sign of overwhelming social pressure? Find out what expert Nina Bandelj explains.
Emotionally and financially, parenting hurts more than parents.
Highlights
- Raising a child in the United States can be emotionally and financially stressful, even to the frustration of parents.
- An incentive to develop “human capital” and full parental guidance turns children into investment projects.
- Parental depression – born of social pressure, not individual failure – deepens social divisions.
I am a mother. And I was tired for years. Not only from body care work, even if it is real, but also from the constant pressure to control emotions and the future with feelings of unhappiness that have no choice. Parents today are required to give it all to our children: caring without dividing all our love and money. We build our whole lives around children’s schedules, races from football to piano to teaching, dinner in the car. Take a weekend off because there are games, contests, play dates and birthdays that match the full calendar.
At the same time, childcare costs are skyrocketing, parents are financing mortgages to live in neighborhoods with top schools, and college costs make many parents more indebted than their own students. And all of this comes wrapped up in the sense that we should probably do more. I’m tired of just writing about it.
Parents are always very tired, right? To some degree, for sure. But we have reached an unprecedented level of what is now called parental fatigue. In 2024, US General Surgeon Vivek Murthy issued a directive naming parental stress and exacerbating the public health crisis. The report cites research that more than 40 percent of parents say they are so tired most days they can not work. Nearly half say they are constantly overwhelmed.
Burnout, a term coined to describe long-term stress from relentless workplace demands, is now used to describe what is happening in the home. The phrase “parental depression” almost existed a decade ago, but as surgeons report today, it is commonplace.
Child’s human securities
Over the last hundred years, children have shifted from “economically useful” to “priceless emotions”. What was once shared – by relatives, friends, neighbors and the community – has become an increasingly important parental obligation.
Putting into this change is the calming effect of the focus of our society. Cultivation of “human resources”. The most famous economist was Gary Becker, who won the Nobel Prize in 1992 to describe the skills and abilities that make people productive.
Over time, this logic has entered family life. Parents are understood as a human resource project that parents need to speed up the development of their children. Our children are still invaluable, but now they are also an investment. Advice to parents is that it is not too early to start, and all interactions should be “counted”, thus making the womb a first class, day care, into early childhood education and more play.
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Education itself is increasingly losing its practical purpose Citizenship: Economists have set the long-term ROI of early childhood investment at 13%. In our society, which is tied to rankings and data, betting with numbers makes parental choices feel measurable. Every decision feels risky, like the stock market process.
Feelings of parenthood
But locking is not just about economy. It is a feeling. Our lives have become soaked in a healing culture. Emotional attention and expression is everywhere. It follows that raising a father – a mental work to begin with – is an uber feeling today. When parents are told they have to be endlessly attune to their child’s feelings, their own feelings and their sense of emotion, parents become more exhausted. We have various descriptions for it: Helicopter Breeding, Ice Breeding, Chammer Breeding, Gentle Breeding, Tiger Breeding, High Breeding and more.
At the same time, parental guidance is relentless and comprehensive. While our parents may have relied on Dr. Spock “parenting Bible” Only today, parenting tips are shared through influential podcasts, chat groups, and TikTok memes ranging from: “Believe in your instincts, mom, but follow this 23-step baby sleep training program” or “You probably did too!” .
Parents feel endless pressure. Who does not find themselves hiding in the bathroom like Kim Kardashian seeks peace for 30 seconds from the cries of children or like Australian comedian Sean Szeps scrolling through the WhatsApp group shouting all the time? These virtual worlds are less compromised than pressured. Every “Thanks for the reminder!” On WhatsApp is a small signal to the audience of other parents: I am also a good parent, I swear.
Unfortunately, even when parents are approached with meaningful advice to do less, they may find it another thing to add to the endless TO DO list. And if they do not control everything, they may feel like a failure. It is not surprising that fatigue occurs.
Read more here: Shouting at your baby does not make you a bad mother, but ignoring it (8 things to do next)
Fatigue is affecting the fabric of society
Fatigue is often taken as evidence of deep care. Parents are under such pressure that it feels like if you are not tired you may not be a good enough parent. But the evidence shows that the sacrifices of parents who use all of this (and exhaustion) are not even producing good results. As Jonathan Haidt argues, we are creating a generation that cares – and not just because (too) of social media exposure is too early. Child management is a project that defines independence, free play and the ability for boredom. Psychological research It has been shown that defining aspects of those experiences reduces children’s resilience and affects their mental health.
Moreover, when parenting is private and financial taxation becomes an engine of inequality. Wealthy families accumulate financial wealth for children, including in the 529 tax-exempt education savings plans, while low- and middle-income families are increasingly dependent on debt, especially mortgage debt – to live in good school districts. Studies show that black families are unreasonably accepting of education debt for college-age children, widening racial inequality. Families with children with special needs bear the disproportionate burden on their own shoulders.
Parenting has long re-established social inequality, as sociologist Annette Laureau pointed out in a powerful study in the early 2000s, showing how wealthy parents bestow their children on co-cultivation. But new standards of parenting, privatization and over-investment have deepened economic and ethnic differences among American families.
Social pressure to invest more
Parental fatigue is not an individual or family failure, it is a social problem. We have created a system that forcibly captures parents Fear And judgment. Our language reflects this when we talk about Mom is at fault Or insulting parents.
Let us also remember that the huge parenting industry – billions of dollars worth of tools, programs, toys, part-time programs, teaching, financial instruments – thrives on the worries and mistakes of parenting, the hardest but most rewarding work. These “tools” provide self-care fixation without compromising the psychological economic structure and norms that create fatigue from the start.
Revealing how social forces create parental heartburn shows that extreme fatigue is not a sign that what parents are doing is not enough. It is a sign that we have a normal non-sustainable standard. Raising children is not supposed to be a brutal labor force, and children are not supposed to be private investment projects that will be upgraded.
“Need a village to raise children” is an old but true word. We need a village, both in the sense of an extended network that supports us in caring for our children and a community with common welfare standards and social protection to help us promote future members of society. These are the social investments we need, not the individuals, the burning parents, if we really want (as we say we do) a bright future for our children.
Read more here: Why the parent script does not work (and what to try instead)
For more information, please visit – Over-investment: The emotional economy of modern parenting (Princeton University Press))
Written by Nina Bandelj, Ph.D.
Originally appeared on Psychology Today
Republished with permission
