Why do Neurodivergent children struggle with traditional social skills expectations when the connection looks completely different for them today?
Interviews with neurologist and advocate Sam Young, M.Ed.
Highlights
- Neurodivergent children want a connection, not the way others expect it.
- The connection begins with accuracy and shared interest.
- Social learning is more effective when it comes through meaningful activities to empower the environment.
Sam Young, M.Ed. Is the founder of Young Scholars Academy, a virtual learning community for bright and diverse students. His work focuses on helping young people build their strengths, rather than emphasizing perceived deficits.
Through his work, Sam sees how children with nervous systems interact and how social development can be more naturally exposed in an environment where they feel understood and involved.
Read more here: Are Empaths on the Autism Spectrum? Discover similarities and differences
Debra: What’s so different about how neurodivergent students connect with others?
Q: One of the hardest things is that many neurological social norms do not fit. There are many dangerous misconceptions, such as the idea that our children do not want to connect or socialize.
We need to reset expectations, especially as parents.
Debra: So what if they do not want a connection? Do Are they connected?
Q: The children meet according to their interests. Many children have special brains with deep focus areas. So they can talk. At People about strength or interest. And a lot of people think, “Oh, we should fix that,” when that really is. Preferences. When you put people who are obsessed with the same thing into friends, right? Think of a dating group based on adult interests. It is the same principle. You just have to be more discriminating with the help you render toward other people.
Debra: What happens when you have children with different interests? Have you seen the reception?
Q: There is more friction in relationships where benefits are not shared. Must have some relevant experience. I always start with interest and expand from there.
When kids find relationships together, we can begin to master skills. We can bring together a team for Dungeons & Dragons to practice shifts or provide feedback. Learning takes place in a context that is really important to them.
Or we are in a discussion and you will provide feedback. And this is how we do it. Here is the practical recipe. We make constructive sandwiches: Positive, Positive Growth. Often we can help more practical brains that may struggle with the abstract and natural aspects of social interaction.
Debra: It feels relevant, especially since it is difficult to tolerate different perceptions now. I appreciate that you can find ways to do something that feels less threatening.
Q: The two special brains are spiky and asynchronous… so there are these highs and lows and coexistence creates a complex social experience. I may have a strong idea of something advanced that my child has not yet discussed, and I may not yet have the emotional regulation or ability to deal with stress or push back.
Research shows that matching these kids with similar friends works well along with what I call the X and Y axes of social success. The X-axis is as childish as your child. The Y-axis is the adult version of your child, not a parent, but a mentor who can say, “I have autism, I have ADHD, and this is what worked for me.” They have to look on the X-axis to see kids like them, and they have to look on the Y-axis to see adults like them.
Debra: It has been criticized that social skills training only teaches neurological norms. What do you think of that?
Q: It was a difficult one. It is a neurotypical world; It does not need to be made for people with nervous system. I think one of the most inspiring things we can do is help children sculpt and create their own space and teach them how to explore the world around them.
I like to draw the difference between concealment and decryption. The face mask is hiding your true self to fit and survive. That makes you exhausted. While coding is adapting to your communication style, while staying true to who you are. That can empower you.
Find your people and be passionate about what you enjoy. We do not have to wear masks, but we can learn to code. I will talk to people with these neurological disorders, unlike me, to my friends with my mental illness, but I am still me.
Of course, when we look at society, people who are nervous and learn to code well often do better. It is a prediction of success.
And again, is that fair? Is it fair? The answer is no. But it is true.
Debra: What are the parents’ biggest concerns about the social life of their children with mental illness?
Q: They often focus on the gap between a child and a friend with a mental illness.
My goal is always to help children become their best version in a good environment. With social interaction, start with your child in the most consistent environment. Then we start extending to various settings.
And I always tell my parents: Your job is to be an investigator, not a judge. Curious. What enlightens your child? Where are they most engaged? Maybe at home in their bedroom and you do not seem to socialize. Well, it could be with a computer.
So where can we meet them? Can we find a way to connect with what they really care about? Hey, I know you’re crazy about this. Have you considered creating Reddit or Discord? And now they feel empowered. They immediately became community leaders. So you can build out of that place of strength, rather than focusing all our attention on “fixing” them where they are struggling.
If there is one thing I would like parents to accept from this conversation, it is: Connectivity is not a skill that needs to be adjusted. It happens naturally when children are in the right environment. Magic happens when we stop trying to make them fit and start helping them find where they really belong.
That’s what we try to create at Young Scholars Academy every day. When children find their people, follow what they love and get guidance from their adults or something else.
Read more here: 5 Neurodivergent Love Languages: How Your ADHD / Autistic Partner Shows Love
Sam Young is the founder of Young Scholars Academy, a WASC-accredited virtual village for gifted and special students twice. Find out more at https://youngscholarsacademy.org/
Written by Debra Brause, Psy.D.
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
