“Excessive independence is a coping mechanism that we develop when we know it is not safe to believe in love or when we are afraid of losing ourselves to others. We do not want to go alone. We are injured in a relationship and we treat the relationship.” ~ Rising women
Do you feel you have to do everything yourself?
Do you find it difficult to ask for help because you are afraid of being dropped off?
Have you ever heard the phrase “extreme independence can be a response to injury”?
If this is you, I get it; That is me too.
Know that there is nothing wrong with you. I have lived my whole life this way. This way of doing things is a survival strategy that keeps me safe, but it is also very lonely. I lived in a stable condition AnxietyAnd it makes me tired because I think I have to do everything myself.
We often become the most independent because we do not trust others and / or we may not feel worthy to be loved and supported. Or we may believe that by rejecting the support of others and doing things on our own, we will receive love and acceptance because we are not a burden.
Maintaining relationships and gaining the support of others is a basic human need. If we say we do not need someone, it is usually from the part of ourselves that wants to protect us from pain, abuse, criticism, frustration or rejection.
If we even consider the possibility of wanting, demanding and / or getting support from others, something in us can say “No way, it is not safe” so we keep these ideas.
We may think that if we ask for something, we are too weak or lacking, and that depends on the code. But we do not intend to do everything ourselves. There is such a thing as healthy dependence.
Excessive independence can also be an unspeakable frontier, so it is important to learn how to define Healthy Borders So we can feel safe in situations where we think we are losing ourselves.
Sometimes we feel the need for independence because we do not feel safe to be vulnerable and let people in because if we do they may see our flaws and insecurities or they may cause incurable injuries and injuries.
We may be very shy and we do not want to feel or be seen by others, so we stay away from relationships and get support from other people.
One of the hardest things to understand is that even though we are in pain in a relationship, in a supportive relationship we can experience healing and a sense of security.
That does not make sense to me, because in my relationships I often experience criticism, pain, rejection, and being shouted at by people’s natural feelings and needs.
Part of me wanted support and communication, but the other part of me was scared because as a child it made my dad angry when I asked for anything. It’s really hard to live in a world where I feel lonely, believing that I have to do everything myself while watching others gain support and connect with their family and friends.
For me, over-independence eventually leads to rejection and suppression of my needs and emotions, as it is overwhelming to try to do everything myself, especially at such a young age.
At the age of 15, I became anorexic and I have been battling depression, anxiety, and self-harm for over 23 years.
In my twenties, I left my guard and got a boyfriend who I thought loved me because he bought me what I wanted but had a leash. If I do not do as he pleases, he will return the gift. He was obsessed with me waiting outside when I did not speak to him and would pull me in again with gifts and temptations.
This confuses me. “Do I only get support and things when I am a slave to someone?” I wonder. After I broke up with him, I swore to myself that I would get nothing from anyone else.
I got the chance to treat that vow later in my life when I went to Palm Springs with a friend. We were playing a slot machine and he put in $ 20. I told him, “It’s your money if we win.” We won $ 200 in the first spin and he told me to “withdraw the winner”.
When withdrawing money, I chased him around the casino, trying to put the money in his pocket. I did not want to take it from him because I thought, “Then I owe him and he is my master.”
Thankfully he was someone I could share anything with and we talked about it. He told me he knew from my struggles that he did not want anything in return, and it made him happy to give to his friends and family. This experience helped me see things differently.
My healing process really began at the age of forty, when I began to learn how to connect with myself, my needs and emotions, and begin to heal the wounds I was experiencing. I also learned how to ask for help, which was not easy at first. Some are angry with me and some are happy to fulfill my requests and needs.
Instead of blaming and humiliating myself believing that I had to do everything myself, I made peace with my part, which felt like I didn’t need anyone. By listening to his fears, I began to understand why he thought I needed protection.
It shows me the pain that it feels rejected, the pain and the shout that people feel and need and that it does not want to experience that pain again.
As I listened to this section with compassion, I recognized and justified the fear and pain it experienced and thanked it for doing what it was doing and letting it know that it is now loved and safe.
I asked him what he really wanted and he said, “I want to have a real relationship. I want to feel safe with and get support from others, but I’m scared.”
The younger part of me was stuck in the perspective of my childhood injuries and experiences with the men I dated. By giving this section an opportunity for me to speak and tell them my intentions, I can help them / I have a new perspective and feel loved and safe.
I also began to have a more realistic view of who is who and who is insecure than seeing No one As safe as it gets, based on outdated nervous system programs that come from my previous traumatic events and aches and pains.
Extreme independence has helped me recover from all the years of struggling with hunger, depression and anxiety. Even after twenty-three years of entering and leaving hospitals and treatment centers and doing traditional and ineffective treatments, I finally took my treatment into my own hands and yes I did most of it myself.
However, even doing it myself, I found it helpful to live in a loving and supportive environment with people who do not try to fix, control or save me.
We do not want to do or live alone, but being alone can be comforting if we are afraid of hurting others.
This does not mean that we should force ourselves to ask for and receive support from others, especially if we are afraid. It means that we need to build a loving and caring relationship with ourselves and understand where the need for extreme independence is from the first step towards allowing people to enter.
A good question to ask yourself is, “Why am I okay with getting support?” With that part of you, let it show you what it believes and take the time to listen compassionately. Then ask him what he really wants and needs.
Getting support is not about being completely dependent on others. That was just a preparation for disappointment and frustration. It is also important to learn how to be independent and meet our needs. This is not either. It both.
Learning how to connect with our emotions and needs and how to communicate with them and make requests is also important.
For example, if you are going through a hurdle and you need someone’s support, you can say, “I’m having a hard time right now, and I really want someone I can talk to who just listens without trying to change me or my situation. Is that what you are willing to do?”
If this feeling is not possible for you, it may help to reassure some of the people involved in getting in and getting support. If some of these points are not the same, instead of using “I” starting with “I like the idea of …”
I deserve support and love.
I deserve to have a sincere relationship.
It was safe for me to have this experience.
I deserve to be seen, heard and accepted.
I deserve to be loved and cared for by myself and others.
I deserve real enlightenment.
I deserve help and support.
There is nothing that you need to find or confirm. You deserve it because you are who you are.
If you shut people down because of your past injuries, as I used to do, and realize that you do not have to do everything yourself because of your past injuries. Some people may disappoint you, but there are many good people out there who want to love and support you just by letting them in.
About Debra Mittler
Debra Mittler A warm and compassionate healer with a unique ability to touch the hearts and souls of people. She enjoys helping others to love and accept themselves unconditionally, feel at peace with themselves and truly live. Debra is a leading authority in overcoming obstacles and supporting her clients, maintaining a space of unconditional love and providing incentives, effective tools and valuable insights that allow them to experience and listen to their inner wisdom.
