“A lifelong privilege is to be real.” ~ Carl Jung
What do I want to eat?
The question is straightforward and the answer should be simple. But once my mind went through the choices, my mind was not focused on what I wanted. Instead, I am busy creating That’s right. The choices are likely to cause the least amount of stress.
Yes, my partner asked where I wanted to go. But over time, I have come to realize that honest answers often have consequences. My options can be questioned, rejected or turned into a discussion. If I try to stand on my own two feet, I spend the evening at the edge – knowing the food service, the noise and even the temperature – wait for something to go wrong.
More than that, I completely avoid making decisions. Ironically, my decision led to people telling me that I was bored or had no idea.
I do not always do this. By the time I was 20, I was known for being aggressive and thoughtful. I knew what I wanted and followed with silent determination. In fact, it was the confidence and strength that first attracted my partner to me when we met during the college student orientation and soon our marriage became a source of tension.
Over time, frequent debates, distortions, and relentless questioning of my judgment convinced me of my confidence. I was anxious and, secondly, constantly thinking to myself.
Keeping our family safe has become my main focus and I have reached a great stage to ensure that my partner’s needs are met.
With my insights focused on the outside, I lost touch with my inner guidance. My survival instinct went into high gear and I became the most satisfied person.
This way was injected into my professional life. I believe that everyone is smarter, more capable and more skilled than me. Whether it was setting a strategy or implementing a project, I thought over every action, turning away from each decision and delaying it to the most authoritative person.
In my personal life, my relationship has become one-sided. Believing that I was stubborn, calm, and generally uninterested, I fell into the role of a friend who was easy to care for. I believe that if I show disagreement or over-satisfaction, the relationship will deteriorate.
I eventually withdrew from my partner and returned home. It was through reunions with old friends that I saw clearly who I became. Having known me before falling into the survival mode, they were amazed at what they saw – my hesitation, my lack of mind, how I seemed to fall out of the ordinary.
Through their eyes, I miss someone I once did. And I recognized from a distance that I had drifted away from myself. Despite the pain, that decision gave me hope. If I had always learned to ask myself, “What will keep the peace?” Maybe I could learn to ask myself another question instead: “What is the real feeling for me right now?”
If you are feeling early in the morning that the person you are now feels smaller than the person you used to be, know that this is not because you are weak. It is because somewhere along the way you realize that shrinking feels safer than standing still. And if you are wondering what life might be like if you started identifying your hobbies and expressing your opinions, read on.
Rebuilding self-confidence
Use your body as a measuring device.
Ask yourself, “What is true for me right now?” Is a powerful question. However, I found myself beyond my wants and needs, where answers often melted into a flood of choices and consequences.
In trying to move beyond my confusion, I turned my attention to my body. The tightness in my chest often meant that I was about to accept something that was not right. The wave of nausea and vomiting showed an emotional response that was not in line with my true feelings.
By applying the adjustment into your body, you can begin to pause long enough to notice these body signals. And they will be a quiet guide, helping you automatically disrupt the urge to deny yourself.
Start with a low stake decision.
With time and practice, I began to use my emotions as a guide to what I wanted. I was surprised to find that I still had desires, needs, and thoughts. They did not disappear – they were just buried.
But getting to know yourself again is one thing. Using my voice to express what I have found is something else. Speaking of which, it doesn’t feel natural. It does not feel safe.
So I started slowly. I have identified people in my life who are least likely to push back or reject my passions. I also made sure that I did not overwhelm my decision-making ability by placing too much weight on things.
I chose a friend I had known for twenty-five years as a starting point. Reaching for the dinner invitation, I added the phrase “I really feel for the Italians”. Once my truth was revealed from my tongue, I had to resist the added warning, “But whatever you want.”
During the dinner, I paid close attention to my body and the energy that arose, including the motivation to ensure that the evening went smoothly, as the efficiency of the service, the quality of the food and even my friend’s experience rested on my shoulders.
As you begin this process, you may notice how high your alertness is in your routine. The weight of trying not to make “wrong” decisions can feel paralyzed, and the impetus to retreat may be almost overwhelming. But with each small and honest choice, that intensity starts to soften. What used to feel dangerous starts to feel possible.
Practice disappointing others without giving up on yourself.
As I expanded my self-redeemed self-awareness, conflict inevitably arose and cooperation was required. I am glad to find that I can compromise what I want to allow someone’s needs to be met without losing myself. In fact, the act of cooperation feels light and the giving that creates the stark contrast to the heavy feeling that accompanies decisions that go against my best interests.
But despite the cooperative mindset, there are times when asserting my needs frustrates others.
I attended the wedding of a close friend. The weekend was full of fun and laughter and I enjoyed myself a lot. However, by Sunday night, I was socially exhausted.
The plan was to go to dinner, but the thought of sitting in a quiet restaurant and chatting made me think tax and mentally. I shared my facts with my friends who supported my request not to go to dinner right away.
In a bold situation, I communicated my needs to a group that was ready to leave. Most greeted the news with a neutral feeling, but someone disliked my position and tried to intimidate me into changing my mind. I did my best to prove myself, but she continued to attack, fixing the scene of personal offense.
This was a difficult time, but it presented an opportunity for me to gain more self-awareness and confidence. In that moment, I realized something important: The disappointment of others does not mean that I did something wrong. The discomfort I have is not a sign that I should give up on myself. It’s just an unfamiliar feeling in self-selection.
Rebuilding self-confidence is not about bold declarations or great re-creation. It is about quietly entering, taking a little pause, deliberately making decisions, and allowing yourself to go through the frustrations of others and still be in your place of reality. Self-confidence is rebuilt in normal times and seems like an unreasonable decision.
If you feel out of touch with your desires, know that this section is not going away. It is waiting for you to come back. Every time you do, you come back a little closer to yourself. And that’s how you move from a fearful response to a self-confident one.
About Lynn Crocker
Lynn Crocker is passionate about helping people transform their inner conversations and take charge of their thoughts to create a purposeful, enjoyable and fulfilling life – one idea at a time. If you would like to support this mindset forwarding or mentoring to further strengthen the inner conversation, she invites you to schedule a free discovery call to see if mindset training is right for you. Find out more at lynncrockercoaching.com.
