What not to do in a relationship is what most of us learn after making some painful relationship mistakes. Sometimes it is the small things like kindness, rejection of feelings or loss of confidence that create the greatest distance in time.
If you are looking for faithful relationship advice, how to build strong relationships, and practical tips for a happy marriage, knowing what to avoid can make all the difference.
The best advice for a happy marriage is usually simple: protect the love you already have.
Highlights
- Most work in evolutionary psychology focuses on intimate relationships.
- So evolutionary psychology has a lot of wisdom that can tell our relationship.
- These five tips follow directly from research in this field.
Without question, people are interested in romantic relationships and romance. Asymmetrical number of popular songs related to love (see Hobbs & Gallup, 2011).
Art is often associated with love and relationships (Miller, 2000), as is literature (Grant & Kruger, 2021).
From an evolutionary point of view, all of this makes little sense. After all, intimacy is ultimately (and usually is) associated with mating and reproduction.
Related: What is the theory of notation? This can change the way you see people
And from an evolutionary point of view, that is Darwin’s bottom line (see Walker 2014)
Considering the centrality of the evolution of intimate relationships, it therefore makes sense that most work in this field focuses on understanding relationships.
And when you take an evolutionary approach to the study of relationships, you tend to get some in-depth feedback.
And naturally, this work affects our own relationships as we explore life.
From this background, here are five “do” relationships that follow an evolutionary perspective.
Things not to do in a relationship: 5 valuable mistakes most people make
1. Do not hurt.
Sure, this might sound a bit like kindergarten. But there is a reason that this is a basic lesson for people all over the world.
In researching desirable traits in romantic partners across dozens of cultures around the world, Buss and his colleagues (1990) found that all genders have a strong preference for generosity in long-term partners.
From an evolutionary point of view, this makes sense. A good partner will make you feel supported. You can predict that they will be kind to your child.
They are more likely to build a positive reputation in a community because kindness is valued at that level as well.
The contrast of kindness — perhaps cruelty — seems to have the opposite effect. Simply put, kindness is generally more attractive than cruel.
2. Do not underestimate the emotional experience of love.
Based on years of research, Fisher (1993) and others have found that love is real, not just some social construct. It can even be seen in brain activity.
Love helps maintain partnerships, creates a conducive environment for living together, raising children, exploring the social world, and more.
In addition, love is an emotional experience. If you do not feel loved in a relationship, you may be wise to ask yourself if that relationship is right for you.
Many teens choose a long-term relationship by checking the box. If the strong experience of mutual love is not one of those boxes, then there is a good chance that no other box even matters.
3. Cheating on your partner at your own risk.
Research on Infidelity Supports the intuitive notion that this type of activity may be a breach of agreement when it comes to relationships (see Buss et al., 1992).
While the temptation for infidelity can appear throughout the time of one’s relationship, the evolutionary psychology field is clear about this: if you really want to keep your relationship away. Cheat At your own risk.
4. Do not ignore your partner’s feelings.
No two people see, feel and experience the world in the same way. Understanding partners at all levels is essential for a strong and healthy relationship in a relationship.
It is especially important to listen carefully to your partner’s feelings. Emotions often exist at the subconscious level and so sometimes they require special effort to understand in a relationship.
Taking the time to make this kind of effort – to really work to listen to your partner’s feelings – can certainly go a long way toward reconciling positive outcomes (Eisenberg et al., 2024).
5. Showing distrust in your partner can be problematic.
People often talk about the importance of trust in relationships and there are good evolutionary reasons for this fact (see De Jesus et al., 2021).
An unreliable relationship is a betrayal Resentment, AngerInfidelity and many other things can develop.
Want to keep the love in your relationship alive? You will be wise to maintain trust in the relationship for the ride. After all, love and trust always go hand in hand. We evolved that way.
Related: 4 Communication Problems Behind Most Arguments and Feelings
Bottom line
At the end of the day, many of us want a romantic and successful relationship. The experience of love is a reality across cultures (see Fisher, 1993). And finding true love is something that should definitely be worth it.
Our communication psychology has evolved over thousands of generations (see Buss, 2017). And this element of psychology is ultimately chosen by nature to facilitate survival and reproductive success.
As an added bonus, when it comes to romantic relationships and success, happiness always comes with riding.
From this evolutionary point of view, following (according to one’s ability) the five tips here can go a long way towards cultivating a healthy, confident and loving relationship.
References:
Buss, D. M. (2017). The evolution of desire: Strategies of human mating (Revised edition). New York: Basic Books.Buss, D. M., Larsen, R. J., Westen, D., & Semmelroth, J. (1992). Sex differences in jealousy: evolution, physiology, and psychology. Psychological Science, 3(4), 251–255.
Buss, D. M., Abbott, M., Angleitner, A., Biaggio, A., Blanco-Villasenor, A., BruchonSchweitzer, M (& 45 additional authors). (1990). International preferences in selecting mates: A study of 37 societies. Journal of Cross Cultural Psychology, 21, 5-47.
De’Jesús, A. R., Cristo, M., Ruel, M., Kruchowy, D., Geher, G., Nolan, K., Santos, A., Wojszynski, C., Alijaj, N., DeBonis, A., Elyukin, N., Huppert, S., Maurer, E., Spackman, B. C., Villegas, A., Widrick, K., & Zezula, V. (2021). Betrayal, Outrage, Guilt, and Forgiveness: The Four Horsemen of the Human Social-Emotional Experience. The Journal of the Evolutionary Studies Consortium, 9(1), 1-13.
Eisenberg, E., Lombard, J., & Geher, G. (2024). Assessing the construct validity of emotional intelligence using evolutionary psychology. Personality and Individual Differences. Volume 227. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2024.112714
Fisher, H. (1993). Anatomy of Love - A Natural History of Mating and Why We Stray. New York: Ballantine Books.
Geher, G. (2014). Evolutionary Psychology 101. New York: Springer.
Grant, A., & Kruger, D.J. (2021). 'Such an alternative as this had not occurred to her': The transformation of Jane Austen’s Emma as understood from an evolutionary perspective. Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, 17, 43-60.
Hobbs, D. R., & Gallup, G. G. (2011). Songs as a Medium for Embedded Reproductive Messages. Evolutionary Psychology, 9(3), 390-416. https://doi.org/10.1177/147470491100900309
Miller G. F. (2000). The mating mind: How sexual choice shaped the evolution of human nature, London, Heineman.
Written by Glenn Geher Ph.D.
Originally Appeared on Psychology Today
