“A big part of financial freedom is having your heart and mind without worrying about what if life.” ~ Suze Orman
When I was growing up, my parents always argued over money because we didn’t have much money. My mom was an occasional spender, while my dad went away as if to make me wear smaller shoes so he could save money.
This conflict of contradiction created real tension in our home and eventually my father advised my mother to give my father a full salary so that he could manage it. She has to ask for allowances, even for things like paper for the season or coffee. Today, I understand that this kind of dynamics is called financial abuse.
When my mother left my father, it was very difficult for him to provide financially for our family because he earned less than my father when they were together.
Even so, she wants us to have more. I remember it was like yesterday. I was twelve years old and my mother took me to a clothing store called Mango. I like that store but can’t buy anything from there because it is outside our price range.
I noticed a simple black T-shirt and immediately fell in love with it. I showed it to my mother. It costs about $ 20 which is the budget for our groceries for this week. And as a child, I began to beg her to buy me one. Finally, she replied that it was okay.
I remember standing next to the list. She was to my right, and when I looked at her I could not only see but also the stress she was going through, spending $ 20 on a T-shirt she could not afford. My excitement was immediately replaced by deep guilt and shame, which was why she was so stressed and sad.
Even though I did not know it for many years, this was a specific time when I decided unknowingly that I did not deserve or deserve to have extra money or make good money.
Years later, as I began my therapeutic work, I realized that these seemingly small and insignificant moments showed how we see money, how we feel about it, and whether we believe we deserve it.
At first, this seemed to have a positive effect. In my twenties, I became a great savior.
When I was 22, I moved to the United States. During my first year as au Pair, I lived with a generous family and was still able to save, believing I was good with money.
After my senior year, I moved to Florida on my own and began to understand how the financial system works in the United States. My husband at the time told me I had to make credit because everyone could do it. We all need credit to live in this country. So I got my first credit card. This is when my savings muscles start to weaken.
The standard of living I used to have in Slovakia is different here since I started from zero. As a customer service representative, my haircut and desire to live a high life because I in America ate a significant portion of my income while leaving me high and dry at the end of the month.
Looking back now, I want to say that the break point occurred when I had a dental problem. I woke up with my right side completely swollen and had to rush to the dentist for an urgent appointment.
I have insurance, but I do not know that often there is a significant portion that you have to pay out of pocket. When the emergency was avoided, I was standing at the reception desk and handing my insurance card to the recipient. After a while, she looked at me with a smile and said, “Your total out of pocket is $ 1,600.”
I froze cold sweat all over my face from my sedation. What to say? I do not have $ 1,600. She looked at me again, smiled and said, “It should not be a problem. We plan to pay for it.”
And that’s how the path of my debt cycle began.
Can I sit here and tell you that the reason I am in such a bad financial situation is the system or the bankers and lenders who give me money freely? Of course. But that is only a small part of the equation, and in fact it is not the reason I ended up breaking up.
After about eight years of personal loans, medical debts, car loans and about six credit cards, I hit hard and finally filed for bankruptcy.
One thing I can not wrap my head around is that I am responsible, trustworthy and capable in other areas of my life, but when it comes to money I fail miserably. Even my payment history is perfect because I am a responsible borrower. Later, I used to joke that I broke up with responsibility.
Bankruptcy is a turning point for me. When everything was over and my case was settled, I remember sitting in bed in my studio apartment, asking myself, “How did I get here?”
After I reflected, I recognized that it was a combination of three things. First, I never treated my money and beliefs that affected my income. Second, I refuse to educate myself about money. And third, I was using debt as a way to finance my lifestyle, even though I could not afford it at the time.
As I sat with this for a while, I determined that I would never find myself in such a financial position again. I decided to face my financial fears and bought my first financial book, Total Money Makeover, by Dave Ramsey.
As a first step, he advises you to save your first $ 1,000. I could not see how I could do this, but I stood firm in my faith. I started with $ 50. Then it was $ 100, $ 200, and finally in 2 months I saved my first $ 1,000.
My first $ 1,000 savings were less than money and more about self-confidence while rebuilding confidence in my choices. Suddenly I feel more capable and trustworthy when it comes to money, a feeling I never knew existed.
Step by step, over the years, I have started to make healthier financial choices. I opened my first brokerage account and started investing, and no matter what system the credit card company offered, I was far from available.
Looking at the process of this financial struggle and how I tie it to my self-worth, there are three tips I would like to offer when it comes to money.
1. Resolve your financial conflicts.
Whether people grow up with money or not, many of us have faith in the financial constraints that hold us back.
Five minutes in the clothing store with my mother at the age of twelve led to another twenty years of financial stress for me. Money directly affects our nervous system as well as our mental and emotional well-being.
Of course, for people who are really struggling or living in poverty, financial stress is inevitable. But for many of us, a pay-to-pay lifestyle is a combination of bad financial habits, negative relationships with money, and a lack of financial literacy.
Dealing with your relationship with money will not only help you to understand your current financial situation, but also to discover the deeper wounds you may be experiencing, such as feelings of inadequacy or a desire for validity. Money problems are often a symptom of a deeper problem.
2. Spirituality and money can coexist.
I grew up an atheist, so when I started exploring spirituality later in life, I developed a forgetfulness about money. I saw that it was materialism that did not exist in the spiritual world.
I later learned that spirituality has become another way for me to avoid my financial problems by simply stating that I am beyond money and can show the way out of a breakup. Although I do not diminish the power of attraction and acting, I think it is important to be practical and reasonable when it comes to our finances.
The hardest lesson was learning that I could not reach my state of mind or heal my wounds when I was stuck in a constant survival mode and my nervous system was paralyzed by fighting or flying because I did not know how I would handle my rent next month. We must pay attention to aspects of our survival before we can dive deeper.
3. Learn about money.
There are so many negative financial statements we hear all the time. Things like “money can’t buy happiness” or “money is the root of all evil” when in fact there is nothing wrong with being interested in money, understanding and working with it effectively. Money is just one of many important aspects of living a healthy and balanced life.
You do not have to strive to be the richest person in the world, but understanding your budget, having emergency funds and saving for retirement is fundamental to your financial health.
When I started learning about money, it gave me a sense of empowerment and ability. It gives me more confidence, gives me clarity and brings peace in my daily life. There are many things I can achieve on a personal level, deepen and heal because I am not used to daily financial stress.
Today, I was no longer ashamed at that time. Instead, I take the knowledge that I am capable, worthy and worthy of financial stability, and so do you.
About Silvia Turonova
Silvia helps financially independent women transform their relationships with money by dealing with both emotional and physical issues through a personal money system. She created HerEaseWithMoney Starter, a free 10-minute money guide for women who are ready to take their first steps. Get Here. You can also find her on Instagram.
