“Adults correctly communicate clearly and affirmatively.
This is what I have heard many people say.
By that definition, I would never be classified as an adult for the rest of my life.
There was a time when I could not even ask for a glass of water. I know it seems crazy for some people and for a long time I felt crazy for it.
Why can I not do what others have done without thinking about it? Why can I not say what I have to say? Why can I not be normal?
Those questions just go into the embarrassment I was trapped in at that moment in my life.
But the question I should ask myself is not how I can overcome the damage and mistakes, but what my struggle means based on how I was raised.
Because based on that, I am perfect and my attitude really means perfect.
I was a child who was taught not to hear.
I was a child who felt angry and violent.
I was a child who was angry, embarrassed and rejected by the people she needed most.
I was a child who was beaten over and over again until she stopped crying.
I am a child whose needs are disrupted by those in charge of her care.
I was a kid who wanted to be called selfish, seek attention or be funny.
I was a child who did everything wrong that she felt wanted or needed.
I was a child called a monster for who she was – as a child.
As a kid, I used to feel totally lonely and jealous.
So why does the child not know how to speak? Why does that child not know how to share something about herself? She will‘t she will? It all makes sense. I understand. It is a way of life. Ways of survival.
I was taught that I was not important. What I want or need and my feelings are disgusting to be hidden by any value. And I did it to avoid the pain of embarrassment and rejection. Even when I was with different people. Even when I was an adult.
That pattern has shaped my life. I can not say what I want to say and can not say. It feels scary. It felt too dangerous. It is, too. Embarrass.
So if you find it difficult to express yourself and feel ashamed of it, I understand it. I did too. But I need you to know this: it’s not your fault. It is never your fault.
Yes, life gets harder when you do not grow up. When the only way you can protect yourself is by less than you. When you can not grow into yourself because it will hurt you. When you can not learn to love yourself, because that is the biggest risk.
But today, that risk is only in you. In your terms. And that.‘Where internal healing work comes into play.
For me, that means getting professional support to help me learn how to safely relate to myself and my reality and how to ban the inner voice that criticizes, demands and insults that tell me my feelings, needs and desires are wrong.
It means learning to control my nervous system so I can get through my fears and be honest about what worked for me and what didn’t. This is a major turning point in my relationship as I begin to represent myself more openly and firmly, which means that my relationship has greatly improved or I have found that others do not really care about me and my feelings.
It also means being open-minded and learning to understand how I feel trying to tell me. Ever since I learned to avoid and suppress my emotions growing up, I have found it difficult to truly know myself.
I have a great opportunity to take care of myself, give love, affection and attention that I did not receive when I was young.
And that is what ultimately allows me to feel safe enough to express myself.
The relationship I had with myself began to become a safe haven instead of a battlefield, and my life has not been the same since then.
Everything on the outside starts to align with what is happening inside me. The safer I became for myself, the safer people in my life allowed us to build deeper, meaningful, and intimate relationships.
So I know that kind. Changes are possible. Although it does not feel like this time. I know this is possible because today I am the most authentic and self-revealing version I have ever had.
Just look at everything I am sharing here with you. That’s far cry from asking for a glass of water.
Today I am no longer busy with the words I always wanted to say. I say them.
Today I can no longer control my emotions. I feel them. I share them. Free.
Today I no longer deny my needs and play with my desires. I own them. I met them. I fill them.
Today I am my master and I do not feel ashamed of being poisoned the way I used to be.
At the time, I never thought it would be possible for me.
I hope that in sharing my story and my changes, you will follow your wishes that want you to express yourself. To share your thoughts and desires. To show what it is.‘Like to be you. To meet you more and finally all of you.
That’s what you need to listen to. Not a sound of fear or shame. Not your condition. There is nothing or anyone that reinforces your blockage or injury.
You were born to fully express yourself. That is your birthright. That is the gift of the world.
Just because the people who raised you did not understand that you are a special miracle that you have, does not mean that you have to deprive the world and yourself of your experience. More. All of you.
It is never too late to open your heart and share yourself in a way that feels relaxed, liberating, energizing and loving.
About Marlena Tillhon
Marlena is a highly experienced psychotherapist and successful coach who specializes in treating internal trauma and breaking bad habits that prevent her ambitious clients from achieving the success they know they can have in their relationships and careers. You can find her on Instagram Or Facebook And receive free training and gifts from her Website.
