“When someone shows you who they are, believe them first” ~ Maya Angelou
The weekend started like visiting other families. Our family was in town and it started with real excitement. Kids running everywhere, chocolate cakes in the homemade ice cream parlor for our guests, the delightful chaos of everyone in the same space.
On the second day, we noticed that one of the children was having a runny nose and was rubbing her saliva all over her body as she was holding our little one. She loves babies and we love it about her. However, if you have children, you know that the flu passes through the whole family is not a small thing. It was a night of weeks of insomnia and the little miserable people and exhaustion that left you wondering all the options that would get you there.
That evening my husband told me about it, and I said, “Yes, I did too.” This is not the first time. A few visits ago, someone got sick and once it ran through our whole family for a month and made us all very sick.
He was always reluctant to ask his family members about anything because of his fear of how they would react. But this time, we agree that it is time that we should not let fear control how we relate to his family. For us, it is not a big deal at all. We just believe in open and honest communication so we can be careful.
So my husband did radical things. He asked if the child was sick. Not an accusation. Not a confrontation. A question. The kind of function that adults ask each other every day without incident.
What happened next was a traditional attitude. The conversation did not come back to us directly. It went side by side and was discussed by everyone except one who asked the real question. Everything has passed since I got married in the family.
Then comes the passive-aggressive kind of powerful article you feel in your chest before you finish reading it.
My husband guarantees that it is okay. We just want to know so we can wash our hands a lot and hug a little if someone is really sick. “There is no big problem,” he said.
The visit is over and we continue our life journey. What followed was an explosion that evolved into a painful slow response that lasted more than a year. It’s exploded that I was in trouble, how my husband and I always caused trouble and the goal was to get him against me. My character was torn apart and even our marriage was questioned.
This is what I finally understood. It never talks about runny nose.
Overflow is just the latest scene in a game that has been running for years. And this is how the model works. They connect themselves to what is there and use it to replay the same dynamics that is always there below.
Where we choose to get married. Questions about the flu. Leave for much-needed sleep on vacation. Travel to the library to pick up books without asking. How we should share my pregnancy. When you start paying attention, you notice that certain incidents are almost non-existent. What matters is the structure under it.
Who communicates directly and who gossip without confrontation. Who is responsible and who is responsible. WHO Towards a healthier solution And who goes towards the drama. Who has empathy and who does not accept. Who owns their emotions and who is at fault. The structure tells you everything you need to know. And in this family structure, the former never happens.
My husband and I spent almost a year trying to explain to people that there were bad examples that needed to be addressed. An indisputable one started way before I came into the picture. Technically, it should not be relevant to me. We wrote a letter. We have a conversation. He even brings in neutral therapists.
We did it with real hope. We believe that people who love us will be willing to do uncomfortable work by looking honestly at this repetitive energy. And we made this trip because we wanted to have a good relationship with our family. Suppose you get very little.
Finally, there is an apology from one side because the therapist has to explain why it is necessary. But it is the kind that checks the box without changing the behavior. Words are like cleaning everything under the rug and praising the rug. The main parties still deny that there is a pattern.
And that year taught me the most important thing I knew about this: you can not change the pattern that another person does not believe exists. You can name it softly. You can write the most honest letter of your life. You can stay calm and lead with compassion and invite experts.
And if the other person commits to a version of reality where they never had a problem and Lack of responsibilityNo one will land. Not because you did not try hard enough. But because you are standing in two different worlds.
The model is not the mistake they are making. It’s a survival system that they have been running all their lives. And the survival system is not quiet. So sometimes work stops working on them. It becomes about you.
I have to ask myself some honest questions. And I want to offer you gently, too.
Is there a connection in your life where the same thing continues to happen just by having different furniture in the room? Where do you leave almost all relationships feeling worse than when you arrived? Where people are always talking about you behind your back as a group and not coming directly to you?
Where you are forever explaining yourself, confirming the basic choice, controlling someone’s reaction to your rational existence? Where are the adults who can not control their emotions constantly?
That’s not a bad patch. That was not a difficult season. That is an example. And when you name it clearly and stop explaining the evidence, it is time to reclaim yourself. Because you can not walk away from something that you continue to insist is a coincidence.
Respect does not require regular training or an explanation of why your behavior is bad and why your feelings are important. This is the part where most articles will tell you to extend the softness more and try again with an open mind and a perfect verbal conversation.
I will not tell you that.
Sometimes the most loving and spiritual thing you can do is walk backwards, not as a way to punish someone or win an argument, but just because staying with it starts to feel insecure in ways you can not ignore. And that’s the part most people never realize – choosing distance is not always an act of anger or abandonment, but sometimes the quietest form of self-esteem out there.
But you are allowed to stop engaging in things that hurt you for no reason, even if no one around you understands the options or gives you permission to create them. Because here is the quiet truth under it all, something that makes me long to see: some patterns continue because the people in them need them, and your willingness to continue your play is something that keeps the whole life going.
And as long as you keep appearing to play your old part, writing letters, controlling emotions, expanding the olive branch again and again, you are giving the model something it needs to survive. Your participation.
Going backwards is not about giving up or giving up. It’s time to dump her and move on.
About Laura Rosenfeld
Laura Rosenfeld has spent more than a decade managing consultants and co-authors. Top Practices: Mindset Tools for Managers Before starting his own business in 2024. A longtime Buddhist and meditator, she writes about the mindset, courage, and art of being exceptional, marrying high performers with deep work. She shares articles and tools at Anomaly Method on Substack. Check out her free newsletter: anomalymethod.substack.com
