“Emotional abuse is an example of any behavior that undermines the sense of self-worth and reality.” ~ Beverly Engel
First, the change is small.
I stopped wearing the clothes that everyone likes because they said it was not good for me. I let some friends fade away because it made him uncomfortable. I laughed less at things he did not joke about.
I check my face to make sure my expression is pleasing to him. I shrunk a bit without anyone noticing.
Then it gets bigger.
I stopped believing my own judgment because he told me I was too sensitive. Or that he did not do what he did. Or that he did not say what he said. Or that he does not remember.
It has happened so many times that I began to believe his version of the truth.
I guessed every decision. I asked for permission for things I used to do naturally. I drafted and edited everything I thought about speaking, trying to get it right before it came out of my mouth.
I even arrested myself, modified my ideas before they were fully formed.
I learned to read him the way the crew read the sky. A slight change in his voice. A gesture. Specific appearance. How he puts his phone down.
I met his needs and expectations meticulously and painfully.
Somewhere along the way I stopped asking, “What do I need? What do I want? What is true for me?”
Instead, I asked, “What does he want to hear? What does he need now? What will calm things down?”
I stopped listening to my inner compass because I replaced it with something else. His consent. His acceptance.
Everything is organized around his comfort, liking and convenience. We go where he wants to go, do what he wants to do, when he wants to in the way he thinks is best.
From house projects to outings, my life has become a reflection of his passion.
Then one day, years ago, I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I did not know who I was anymore.
Things I love? I can not remember the last time I made them.
Any suggestions I have? I’m not sure what they are anymore.
People I used to have before this relationship? It felt like she was dead. Or maybe she was never real at all.
It is not a coincidence. This is what toxic relationships do. They do not just take your time, energy or peace. They take your identity and drain you.
Slowly. Quietly. One small surrender at a time.
Until those who enter into contact and those who are still standing in it almost do not know each other.
It is not just that you lose yourself. It is that you lose the ability to find yourself. Because of the compass you used to navigate with (your gut, your intuition), a quiet voice inside that tells you what is real – it is gone.
I did not know exactly what I was under until I started researching.
I hate the word “pleasant” so I try to stay away from it, but research has forced me to look at the roots of my own example.
I also have to accept that his behavior is not a one-size-fits-all situation or incident. They are role models that I can not deny.
Understandably, I realized that his screams and outbursts, which terrified me, had to do with what he was going through at the time, or the injuries he had suffered, or at least what he had said.
But since I never saw him react like that with anyone else, I began to believe that something was wrong. I.
That I was inciting him and I could not find the right way to stop abusing him.
His attitude is in stark contrast to the pictures he shows in public, which I think people will surely assume I am.
When I try to speak or advocate for myself, no matter how meek and careful I try, I get angry.
When I want to defend myself or run away, I smile or apologize to end my anger. I rejected my own reaction and focused only on calming him down by saying what I had to say to vent his anger.
When you are told enough time that your perception is wrong, you finally stop believing in your own eyes.
You say yes to something you do not have bandwidth for because saying no feels dangerous.
You feel tired all the time, not just from relationships, but from the constant emotional burden of every thought, every thought, every emotion, every decision.
You are so used to their voices that you are silent and you almost do not know it is happening.
That’s what makes it hard to distinguish from the inside.
You do not wake up one day and think, “I have lost the ability to believe in myself.”
Stop believing in yourself.
You think maybe you feel uncertain or you have to check with Someone Before deciding.
But your intuition is not lost. It is buried under countless times of invalidation, the reality of others, and the relentless exhaustion of adaptation.
You would think that it would be easier for someone to lose himself and walk away. That the pain will eventually exceed the pull.
But that is not how injuries work.
There are many reasons why people stay for years, sometimes decades, in relationships that are slowly destroying them. It is not because they are weak or do not know anything better.
One of the main reasons is the so-called sunk cost fallacy.
Sunk cost fallacy is an economic term that means the more you invest in something, the harder it is to walk away.
I invested my time, energy, love, hopes and even my dreams. I protected relationships with people who loved me and made excuses for him.
I believed in the potential and kept going through things that would quickly end the relationship.
The few times we broke up, I was met with a desperate request to return. Great gesture. Promise that things will change. I do not want a project. I want a partner. I do not want to correct him or anyone. I just want to get out! But he had a way of making me feel guilty.
At one point he would be very sad, then angry at me for leaving, telling me how I was the source of another injury in his life.
So I will stay a little longer. Because maybe it will get better. Maybe if I just try. Maybe if I became smaller, quieter, what he needed.
Maybe if I show my unconditional love and loyalty in a way that makes me feel down, it will eventually work. Then he finally saw.
The longer I stayed, the more I lost. Not just more time. More than myself.
And one day I realized that the price of accommodation felt unbearable because I paid for it with everything I had.
If you are reading this and acknowledging your own experience and thinking, “But I’m smart. I’m successful. I should know better. How did this happen to me?” – Stop right there.
Because it’s just a shame. And it is lying to you.
Injury bonds do not exploit your weaknesses. They draw on the many qualities that make you who you are. Love your ability to love deeply. Your ability to see potential in someone. Your willingness to believe someone’s words, even if they do not match their actions.
Your hopes that the loving way they treat you around their family and friends are real, and that the version you experience behind closed doors is temporary. Status. Can be repaired.
You believe that if you can understand them better, focus on their heart, love them more, or communicate more carefully, the people they show the world will prove to you too.
But these are not weaknesses. They are the best part of the user against you.
This is why highly successful smart people get these examples.
Not because they are stupid or weak. But because they believe in someone’s potential more than they believe in their discomfort.
Sometimes the only evidence you will have is emotion.
And your brain can’t figure out a way out of this. Cycles of stress and relief (warmth and unpredictable withdrawal) Train your system to want a pattern. Your body is immune to stress response. What is healthy begins to feel unfamiliar and your way of survival comes into play. This is why you can know that someone is wrong for you and still feel unable to leave.
But the person you were in before the relationship is not gone.
Every little step you take towards yourself – every boundary you set, every moment of clarity, every time you choose personal well-being over that familiar pull – you are looking for a way back.
You do not have to leave today. You do not have to have all the perceptions.
Just remember this.
You were someone before this relationship. And you will be someone after it.
The cost of accommodation will continue to rise. But the cost of leaving is the cost of being yourself again.
And you are expensive.
Fortunately, intuition does not die. It hibernates.
Start with those small moments.
A small option. “I want tea, not coffee,” a little borderline. “I can not do it today.”
A small observation. “It feels to me”
You do not have to act on them. You do not have to post them. Just allow yourself to be right about your own experience without being intimidated, even if it is just your opinion.
Over time, these little moments add up and it becomes a string you can follow on your own.
Then one day someone will ask you what you think and without hesitation you will say what is true to you and you will believe it.
If you find yourself here, you are not weak or broken.
You are the one who has survived an environment where self-confidence is dangerous. And your ingenious mindset does what it’s needed to do to stay safe.
But that environment is not permanent. That survival strategy is not who you are.
Your intuition remains. Quiet, yes. But still.
And it is waiting for the listener.
About Good luck K Iheanacho
Chioma K Iheanacho writes about reclaiming yourself after losing identity, trust, or voice. A former corporate executive turned Grace Navigator, she created a program for those who excel in exploring perfection and fatigue. She writes from the inside out, giving her what she desires when she is looking for answers. She is a writer Forgiveness: 23 tips to unlock your freedom and heal your soul.. Watch forgiveness.plus.
