One of the strangest things about human life is that while we spend almost all of our time searching for ourselves, we rarely ask who “I” is looking for. We observe the thoughts, analyze the emotions, create an identity, then dismantle it again, but some incomplete emotions remain. It is as if the most necessary things were never completely touched.
People usually believe that they are their personality. Their names, pasts, memories, desires, fears, and roles together form what they call “I”. But this isolated self does not appear all at once. It was built slowly. In the beginning, children live farther than directly. There is no such sharp division between self and the world yet. Gradually, however, personal things happen: “This is me” “This is what I like” “This is what I’m afraid of” “This is where I belong” “This is the person I have to be”. Thinking begins with setting up a center and then calling it “myself.”
This process in itself is not a mistake. The self is essential for functioning in the human world. It helps us explore life, build relationships, make survival decisions. The problem starts when a person is completely identified with this temporary built structure and forgets that it is all over something that already exists before any identity appears.
Because behind it, even the strongest personal identities have a calmer and deeper presence. Something that already existed before the first thought occurred.
Most people rarely notice this because their attention is almost always focused on the content of the thought. Towards what they think about themselves, about others, about life. But ideas are always changing. One day feels like someone and the next day someone else. What seemed like yesterday becomes doubt today. Emotions, thoughts and identities remain in continuous motion.
And there is still something that remains unchanged throughout all the changes. The simple feeling is “me”. This “I” is not yet personal. It does not matter. It does not say “I am successful”, “I am spiritual”, “I am happy” or “I am broken”. It is just its presence.
Most people accept this completely, thinking that they hardly notice it. And it remains the foundation of all experiences.
As one begins to look deeper into oneself, one gradually realizes that most of oneself is really thinking. The set of definitions continues to be maintained by the mind. But these definitions are not consistent. They come and go. They change together with circumstances, emotions and experiences.
And then the bizarre inner peeling begins.
Not because the person is violently trying to destroy their identity, but because they are gradually beginning to see its temporary nature. They begin to recognize that what they believe in themselves is mostly made up of memories, conditions, fears, and self-images.
It’s as if the layers are starting to fall off. And after each layer melts, something remains.
At first it can feel scary because for the self, the definition creates security. The mind wants to emphasize something – role, purpose, identity, spiritual story. But as these things begin to loosen, a person may feel that they are temporarily losing themselves.
However, in fact, they did not lose. They just lose what they believe they are. And here we come to the deepest realization.
When self-isolation removes all temporary limitations imposed on it by thinking of what is left is not emptiness in a negative sense. Not destructive. Not a dark place.
All that is left is yourself. Purity. Conscious presence is always behind personal things.
And this is where one of the greatest spiritual contrasts can be understood: the separate self and the reality of conscience are not two different things.
It is the same “I” that appears in two different ways.
In one form, it believes itself to be a limited person. On the other hand, it recognizes its infinity.
Therefore, the isolated self is not something that is different from the conscience. It is not an enemy that must be destroyed. It is like a wave that forgets that it is rising from the ocean.
The shape of the wave is temporary, but its content is still water.
Likewise, the form of the self is constantly changing, but its deepest truths are always present in consciousness.
This is why true self-knowledge ultimately does not give people a new identity. Instead, it gradually frees them from the coercion of self-identity.
That person no longer feels the need to be someone. Not because they become passive or indifferent, but because they begin to recognize that the deepest roots of their existence do not depend on success roles, failures, or psychological definitions.
And this is where the self and consciousness separate. In the simple sense of “I”. Because when one person says “I” a completely different meaning is possible.
A point towards personal stories. Another point towards pure presence. One of the deepest realities of the spiritual journey is that the two are truly inseparable. The self cannot exist independently of consciousness, just as the waves cannot exist independently of the ocean.
And maybe this is why at the end of the search one does not find anything new.
They just recognize what they always have before the mind begins to define them.
Excerpted from Frank M. Wanderer’s new book Teachings of Conscience to Those on the Spiritual Path T (free book on pdf. You can download it now)
Written by: Frank M. Wanderer
