“Until you faint, it will lead your life and you will call it destiny.” ~ CG Jung
For twelve years, I believed I was the architect of a perfect life. I have a “Summa Cum Laude” degree, a prestigious career in human service, a dedicated husband and two healthy daughters. I checked each box in the “Success” list. I really think I’m beyond my past.
But injuries have a way of waiting. It does not disappear, you just stop looking at it. It just goes underground like a silent program running in the background of a computer waiting for a right click.
When I was 21 I ran away from ten years on / off Toxic relationship That swallowed my adulthood. At the time, I did not have the words “intentional abuse” or “gas use.” I just thought he was a man who could not get along. He went to jail and I continued. I built a fortress of life.
And then, twelve years later, I hit him. We will call him X.
Return of acquaintances
It is not a calculated motion. It was a great opportunity to meet, which felt like lightning. Within weeks of the fort I had spent over a decade, the building began to collapse.
I did the unexpected: I was separated from my family. I broke the peace I had cultivated to return to the man who almost destroyed me as a child.
From the outside, it looks crazy; From the inside, it feels like an irresistible pull. It was a biological “coming home” to my nervous system that I had never really recovered. I only cracked it. My mind and body feel like the magnets of a wound that used to pretend to be “true love” and “everlasting happiness.”
Within a month, the X mask had dropped. The same jealousy, the same mental game, and the same arousal returned. But this time I was different.
I am an adult. I am a mother. I am completing my master’s degree and learning about abusive relationships right now, and I have spent many years working in the human services profession.
And suddenly I had Epiphany.
Hole in the wall
I remember standing in a cramped apartment, the house I moved in with X. I did not DIY my dream home as I had planned. I was holding a paring knife, trying to close the hole in the drywall that was placed there by X’s punch.
As I cleaned up the cracks on the damage, the irrationality of the moment struck me with the force of the waves. Here I am, a highly accomplished expert, a woman who has taught others about empowerment and borders, concealing the obvious evidence of my devastation. I am trying to hide the holes in my life, hoping that if I make the surface look smooth enough I will not face the rot underneath.
I realized that my whole “success story” in the last decade was this version of the spackle. I spent twelve years painting on “I am a teenager” with layers of professional praise and academic achievement. But because I did not deal with the original wounds of my youth, the foundation was still fragile.
At the first sign of heat – the first encounter with my past – those layers cracked.
That’s when I saw the “ghost in my system”. I did not hit the man standing in front of me. I am fighting a version of myself that got stuck at the age of twelve. I “continued” at the age of twenty-one, but I did not include this experience. I built a beautiful life on a broken foundation.
Turning point
I left that apartment. I went back to my family and did the messy and messy work of repairing the damage I had caused. But this time, “work” is different.
I have not only been healed of my thirty mistakes. I finally went back to the twelve-year-old girl and told her, “I see you now. We will fix the foundation this time.” I had to learn the hard way that we often confuse landscape change for soul change.
We think that because we have a home, a career and a “perfect” family, we have progressed more than our struggles. But treatment is not a matter of time. It is a matter of understanding.
Lessons from the Foundation
Through this journey of loss and self-discovery, I have discovered three facts that change the way I view personal growth:
1. Success is not a stable replacement.
You can be highly successful and still be very vulnerable. Many of us use “doing” as a way to avoid “doing”. Success in my career is my armor, but it does not make me immune to old tips.
2. You can not fix what you do not set.
For years, I did not realize that I was a survivor of abuse. I think I was just “strong”. It wasn’t until I used my professional training to look at my own life with the intention that I could name this animal. But when you name it – gas Narcissistic abuseBondage – It loses power over you.
3. “Why” is in the roots.
I had to stop asking, “Why am I so stupid?” And start asking, “What does that 12-year-old girl need that she is looking for?” When we approach our faults out of curiosity, instead of looking down, we find a road map to healing. Contempt makes us stuck in shame; Curiosity brings us home.
The power of giving back
I learned from this experience that while I was fortunate enough to be educated to catch myself, many people were eventually left in the dark without a map. Not everyone is ready or able to get the traditional treatment or support system. Those roads can often feel costly, time consuming, or even scary when you are already in a state of collapse.
I now believe that one of the most powerful steps in our healing process is sharing what we have learned. Retaliation is not just a good gesture, it is a medical need. When we translate our private pain into a public resource for others, we finally remove the pain from its power to embarrass us, and we turn our “devastation” into a “master plan” that others can use to find their way home.
Practical steps for reconstruction
If you are standing in your own “broken apartment” wondering how to start repairing a hole, here is what I found most effective:
1. Do your local audit.
Stop looking at the “new paint” of your current success and look at the original wood. Ask yourself, ‘Do I react to what is happening today, or do I react to ghosts from my past?’
2. Name the animal / ghost.
Do not just say you are “stressed”. Use a specific language – whether it is Gas lightingInjury or nervous system. When you name a model, you are no longer its victim. You are an observer.
3. Find ways to serve.
Whether it is just sharing the same facts with friends or posting honest reflections on the internet, the act of helping someone find their difficult situation is often the thing that pulls us away from ourselves.
Continued commitment
If my half-life crisis has taught me anything, that is healing, not the goal you reach and then stay forever. It is a commitment to examine your own foundation on a daily basis. It’s about making sure the life you are building is the life you really want to live – not just the life that looks good off the road.
While the devastation we often face is our greatest teacher, my hope is that by sharing my story, I can help others get out of the confusion and emotional pain faster than I did.
About Stephanie Nelson, MA
Stephanie Nelson, MA, is a human services specialist with over 20 years of experience. After almost losing her “perfect” life to ghosts from the past, she created MySelfGrowthTools.com To provide free 24/7 unrestricted digital tools for those exploring recovery and self-growth. She lives for “Hey!” Time and help others rebuild their lives on the basis of true self-confidence. Follow on Instagram @ my.selfgrowthtools.
