“Our body communicates with us clearly and precisely if we are willing to listen.” ~ Shakti Gawain
As a child, I was never taught to control my emotions. Instead, I learned to reject them — going through stress, swallowing tears, and even hiding performances at dinner for fear that revealing what had happened to me would create anger rather than anxiety.
When I was a teenager, I turned to drugs and alcohol to control my emotions. It’s easier to not feel anything at all than to explode with the feeling that I have no clue what to do.
It turned out to be a drug addiction for ten years until I finally found peace after hitting the rocks and realized I needed help. I was cut off by my family, turned to sex work to make money, and lived in my car and sofa for months, finally realizing that I could not continue living this way and had to start facing feelings and injuries to move forward.
But once I regained consciousness, the feelings came back stronger and deeper, especially with a decade of sad decisions concentrating on unprocessed childhood injuries. I felt very anxious, along with shame and guilt for what I did to my body, what I did for money, and what I allowed others to do to me.
With emotion also comes a laundry list of health problems, including severe PMS and intestinal problems.
I felt like I could not control my body and went to the doctor after the doctor without answering – only medication to relieve my symptoms. I just learned to live without substances and I do not want to start adding it back, even though they are from the doctor at the moment.
At first I thought that physical and mental problems were separate. I mean, how can the two communicate? But as I traveled from doctor to doctor with little relief from any of my problems, I began to do my own research and try different ways to find a cure and not turn to street heroin addiction.
It did not take long for me to realize that my body and my emotions were inseparable. Suppression or disregard for emotions has caused my nervous system to become very alert, my hormones to be in turmoil, and my gut to revolt. Feelings fluctuate, fatigue, digestion upset, my body speaks – loudly – because I have not learned to listen.
It wasn’t the therapist’s diet or the new diet that finally started to change anything, it was really sitting with the feeling I had spent decades.
The first time I let myself feel really angry, sad, and even embarrassed, I buried my body trembling like I had been holding my breath for years. I still remember doing hip-hop yoga classes and crying until halfway through. My body finally felt safe enough to let go of what was buried.
I finally faced all my emotions around the abuse I encountered, the decision to engage in sex work to make money for drugs and my choices, and their consequences, including family theft and relationship breakdown.
When I was with these feelings, I finally saw the sexual and psychological abuse that happened when I was young and connected the point from this initial abuse to the abuse that I continued to allow into my life.
My hormones did not deal with magic overnight, and my gut did not stop protesting, but for the first time I did not fight. Against Myself. I’m listening.
I learned that my physical symptoms were never isolated from my emotions. Every headache, every night, every insomnia, every change in mood, PMS is a message. And every time I try to “push” instead of feeling the message gets louder.
Eventually I started small: let myself cry without guilt and finally said no to things and people that made me cry. For example, I realized that I no longer wanted to continue the successful marketing business I had built because it forced me to meet the needs of people I did not want to sit in the same room with. I am no longer willing to remain silent or tolerate anything that is not right to keep the peace.
I also started making notes to process the messy thoughts that go back to childhood – thinking badly enough, too weird and out there and feeling the need to hide my true self in order to fit in and get along with people.
At first it was horrible – I felt completely free and exposed – but gradually my body began to relax. My senses were relieved, my gut began to calm down, and I felt like I was living my life rather than running away from it.
I realized that what I was afraid of — my emotions — was actually the key to healing me. Emotions are not a weakness. It is news. The compass points me towards balance, alignment, and what I recognize as my dharma (purpose of the soul).
In Ayurveda we talk about respecting the natural rhythms of the body – the cycle of energy, the transformation of vata, pitta and kapha – and listening to what your body really needs at each moment. Disrupting your mood is like trying to swim up your water: it disrupts your flow, creates an imbalance and can upset your hormones and metabolism.
As I allow myself to feel respect for my inner changes and create daily rituals that support my natural rhythms – warm nourishment, gentle movements, calm reflections and early morning – my nervous system gradually begins to calm down. My hormones became more stable, my gut calmed down, and I finally felt like I was living my own life instead of constantly struggling.
Your calming may feel safer in the short term, but in the long run your body will make itself heard. Listening, feeling and self-respect – that’s where healing really lives. Your body is talking. Will you answer?
About Rebecca Ryan DeLia
Rebecca Ryan DeLia holds BS in Alternative Medicine and MS in Ayurvedic & Integrative Health and is a RYT500 Yoga Instructor. She helps women regenerate their gut and hormones, regulate their nervous system and reconnect with their body – all without any restrictions based on fear or stacking. Visit her at Hormone-support.com.
