“We do not build trust by providing assistance. We build trust by asking for it.” ~ Simon Synec
I have always been a sister, partner and strong friend.
I did not consciously make a decision one day to become strong and stuck with it. She became who the youngest daughter was. I used to carry a heavier load than my siblings. Being strong and responsible is rewarded by my parents and it’s what keeps people close.
I am the friend you call when you do not think straight. I am a friend who celebrates your victory. Therapist. Encouraging friends. The one who will sit with you for six hours pours everything she has in that conversation and then goes home and needs three days of silence to satisfy himself. Then I will send you a message to check. Because that is what I do.
I never sat down to think about whether I was a good friend or what I wanted out of my friendship.
Frequently Asked Questions…
Simon Sinek has an exercise he calls Peer exercise. He asks you to call your best friend and ask them a simple question: Why are you my friend?
Simon says that the first answer you will get can be something that stands out as honest, fun and a good listener. But you are looking for more in-depth answers. What you are really listening to Sinek explain is what happens when your friends stop describing you and start describing how they Feel When they are around you. That change is where your true influence lives.
So I called. I sent a message. My four closest friends.
Here’s the return: Great friends are always ready to listen to someone’s golden heart to express ideas, insights, real spunky fun, encouragement, encouragement. I like the positive things my friend mentioned. I feel proud to hear that.
And then almost immediately I felt something else.
Why does my friendship not feel?
I started thinking about how vulnerable I was with my close friends. Do I feel comfortable asking for help? How vulnerable can my friend be with me? Do they feel comfortable asking for my help? My friends’ opinions are beautiful, but I wonder what they think of me. So I reflected on the question of how my friends showed up at me.
That’s information I’m not ready for.
The hidden pattern behind the strength
This is what I know about myself now that I do not have words for that time.
Aside from anger and stress, I do not bring emotion into my friendship. Not true. When something difficult happens, we do it quickly. We click straight into troubleshooting mode. We talk It will be okay. Before the others completed their sentences.
My friendships seem like my romance is very much there. We all have no emotional path. Or at least I did. And I unconsciously created a circle that matched that frequency.
After reading a book on friendship recently, I realized that I was delaying platinum intimacy rather than building it. I am a person who always shows up, always has answers, always has a place, but I did not create intimacy. I created a role. And a role is not the same as a relationship.
My friendship began to revolve around who I was and what I offered. I am not vulnerable to expressing frustration, anger or sadness to some of my friends, even though we have been friends for years under our belt. I was repeatedly shown and performed. That difference came to me little by little, then all at once.
Where exactly does it come from?
I was a girl who had no friends growing up. Not the way other girls look. Not insomnia, traveling to the mall and being someone who is always someone. I spent most of my time alone. So I learned from the beginning to be self-sufficient in connection. To not need too much. To be worth enough to keep around without requiring maintenance.
This is why I believe that emotional bonds never happen to me naturally. It feels foreign. Like a language I understand intelligently but never speak out loud.
As an adult, I became more dependent. Someone who gives freely and receives carefully. And I told myself who I was, not everyone had to be open to good friendships.
I also made conscious choices somewhere there that I did not want a single best friend. A person who is everything to me feels too heavy in both directions. I do not want to take it. I do not want anyone to take it for me.
What I did not see was how the decision was quietly doing something else. Help I never asked for. The vulnerabilities I have kept away. My version that came when I cleaned myself a bit.
What the audit reveals
As I thought about what really builds friendships, there are three things that stand out for me: support, symmetry, and trust. Support is there for each other when life is messy. Symmetry is the feeling that relationships flow in two ways – not just one person giving and the other receiving. And trust is a quiet understanding that some conversation lives safely between you.
I have a support section. I have a secret piece. Symmetry is something I have quietly avoided. Because true symmetry means you also need things. You have to leave yourself as the caller at 2am rather than just answering. You have to bring your real life into friendship – not just your version already thought of.
Two of my closest friends are locals. Two live far away. Throughout the 4 feedbacks are the same: I am inspired. I am encouraging. I was safe to come.
What is not in it? The only time I showed up to need something.
That is data, too.
Stories about asking
Simon Sinek said something that cooled me.
“We do not build trust by providing assistance. We build trust by asking for it.”
I have it completely backwards. I think being a strong friend — one who does not need anything — is what gives me confidence. What makes me worth keeping? What makes true friendship?
But what Sinek is pointing to is something deeper. When you never ask for help, you reject the person who loves you, giving you the honor of showing your face. You make a one-way relationship meaningless. And one-way relationships, no matter how much they love each other, eventually create distance.
Asking for help is not a weakness. It is not a burden. In fact, it is one of the most intimate things you can give someone, the trust that they can keep you too.
What changed for me
I started small.
Instead of “How are you? ” I started asking my friends, “How do you feel?? ” Specific, intentional, a bit clunky at first. Our friendship always lives on the bright side of things. Naming the emotional layer out loud feels strange to all of us.
But I kept doing it. And I started letting myself talk when things were not going well for me. When I feel low. When I was struggling. Not in practice, not in sharing too much, but in the act of leading, for example, the more vulnerable I am willing to make it, the safer it is for them to be vulnerable as well.
It works. Gradually, in small ways, the elements actually change.
A friend of mine in his twenties recently told me quietly in the middle of a casual conversation that I was too hard on myself. I recognized it. I said I needed to show myself more grace.
It was a short time. It is not surprising. But I sat with it for days.
Because it means she is paying attention. It means she is finally saying this instead of smoothing it out. It means we eventually choose each other instead of making friends easier and smoother.
Now it’s your turn…
If you are a strong friend, the healer is the one everyone depends on, this is for you.
Try the Simon Sinek exercise. Call the most important people and ask them why they are your friends. Then sit down with what feedback gives you and what it is not.
Notice if your strength has become a silent wall. Notice if people around you know your parts that are still integrated. Mark whether you ever let someone take something for you.
Asking for help is not the end of resilience. It may be where your strength finally rests.
And that friendship can be maintained? These are things that are worth building.
About Cedar Johnson
Siedah Johnson is a writer and author. I Am Love: Learn to love yourself and click on your energy.. Through her publication. Author’s AlchemyShe writes about self-love, healing, role models and the relationships we build with ourselves and others.
