Marriage after childhood trauma can feel like two fights at the same time, one with your partner, one with your younger version who never learned it is safe now.
Childhood injuries have a hidden way of stealing a simple argument by turning an argument about a plate into something that feels like abandonment.
That’s how child injuries affect marriage – less about the big bang, more about the flinch, the closure, the immediate distance you can’t explain.
The good news: Concentrated therapies, especially focused therapies for couples, provide a real way back to each other.
Marriage after childhood injury
Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D. Psychology Blog Post Today, December 2, 2025
This post is part of a series on bad childhood experiences. Read the other section. Here.
Highlights
- Echoes of childhood trauma can add stress to an intimate relationship.
- When a partner risks a troubled marriage relationship, it can be a great source of comfort and healing.
- Concentrated therapy for couples can help survivors of child trauma form strong bonds in marriage.
Like almost everyone else, survivors of childhood trauma long for romantic relationships. Although they often bring special challenges to marriage as a result of their hidden wounds, they can establish a safe and secure marital relationship.
In fact, it is a compliment to their bravery that they will risk a relationship again after their heart is broken.
Related: Unlock the Pain of the Past: 10 Signs of Childhood Pain in Adults
Susan (Sue) Johnson is the primary developer of Concentrated Therapy for Couples (EFT), a highly respected and well-researched approach to couples counseling that addresses unresolved attachment needs that fuel recurring marital conflicts.
This article presents key findings from her ancient work with survivors of injuries (Johnson 2005).
Concentration Therapeutic Principles
1. Safe connection is not just what children need.
Bonding close together can greatly benefit us throughout our lives.
A loving and stable relationship gives us a sense of security.“I deserve my love, I believe in myself and others”); Provide much-needed emotional comfort; Control strong emotions, grief; Promote mental and physical health; And strengthen resilience in difficult times.
In contrast, loneliness is dangerous to physical health, such as smoking, high blood pressure and high cholesterol.
In adult love relationships, we find a safe place for comfort and a safe base for going out into the world. Healthy relationships also enable couples to build resilient families.
2. Dependence is a healthy part of being human, a need that we do not grow.
Communicate with those we trust and rely on to calm the nervous system while promoting confidence and self-reliance.
3. Relationships are established By ease of feeling and responsiveness.
Fear and uncertainty make the connection need for convenience and connectivity.
Unsuccessful attempts to connect with a partner during times of grief often lead to angry protests, desperate demands, clinging to the test to see if the partner really loves you – when all hope seems lost –DepressionDespair and Separation.
Failure to respond emotionally to the grieving partner’s pleas can lead to emotional breakdown, feelings of betrayal, and mistrust. Instead, a comforting response builds trust.
4. Loneliness and loss are traumatic.
Grieving relationships are common among childhood trauma survivors. Violations of human relationships in childhood often pollute adult relationships, making it difficult to trust and control emotions.
Relationship problems can cause feelings of inadequacy, such as abandonment, self-loathing, or the desire to fall in love but feel unworthy.
It can be fun when both partners unite against the effects of injury on their relationship – when they each trust, comfort, shelter for each other, and when problems are resolved constructively.
However Child Injury Survivor There are generally fewer resources to download and therefore more likely to be stuck in a repetitive cycle of anger, distance protection, and mistrust.
General cycle of conflict
Endurance habits are commonly learned in childhood to survive injuries. For example, a partner may cling to a loved one anxiously or chase after him, hoping to get a response from a caring person.
When attempts to connect seem futile, the partner may shut down the connection and withdraw from the unresponsive partner.
Non-responsive partners who have never learned how to respond to emotional needs may shut down and / or focus on tasks or habits to maintain predictability and order.
As the search intensifies to an unbearable level, distant partners may defend themselves in anger and then withdraw.
As the cycle of conflict continues, mistrust, secession, and strife escalate. This cycle seems to reinforce the idea that connections are not too secure to take risks.
Patterns developed in childhood to guard against vulnerabilities – anger and avoidance of fear – do not work in adulthood.
Here is an example of how disruptive childhood relationships and trauma persist in adult relationships:
Raised by abusive father Jann, she never sees attention at home and does not know how to ask for or show it consistently. In her marriage, Jann needs and encourages intimacy, but when it is offered, she is always fearful and avoiding.
She is vague about dependence on others, which she assumes is unreliable. Because of her abuse, she saw that she did not deserve love and was afraid to disappoint her partner John sexually.
She was angry when he did not meet the requirements of her intimacy, but when he reached out to her, she refused his touch and withdrew. She tends to get very angry at disagreements and becomes very critical of him.
Ironically, as she pushed for intimacy, her fierce style pushed John away when she needed him most. Her partner’s withdrawal underscores her fear that she is still like a broken baby – unworthy of love.
John learned to shut down his emotions to survive a difficult childhood where love was not expressed and most parents were absent.
This time, he withdrew from Jann’s emotions and irritability by running away from work and insisting on going to bed until he felt cold. He did not know how to respond to her strong feelings and criticism and became speechless.
Although he seemed to show little emotion, inside he felt like a failure and expressed a sense of tension. At night, when Jann tried to contact him emotionally, she turned on the light to maintain her bedtime routine.
Sometimes he erupts in rage, making Jann feel insecure, insignificant and abandoned. “” You are not there when I need you. You are in danger. I will not allow myself to be vulnerable anymore. “)
Jann then withdrew in self-defense, going to the tunnel with her computer.
John wants to intervene to comfort Jann, but does not know what to do. He was frightened and confused by her anger, denial, and uncertainty. So he retreated into retreat, hoping things would get better over time.
He held the gesture carefully until everything improved and it felt safe. But things are not going well and it is not getting better.
And the dance of mutual protection and distance continues. Anger temporarily protects them from the anxiety and fear of losing the love they both long for.
The argument does not seem to be resolved because the couple does not know how to deal with the underlying needs.
Anger and Shutdown —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Related: 8 types of childhood injuries and how to get rid of and treat them.
Can Concentrated Therapy Help?
Personal injury therapy usually impairs memory by reducing symptoms such as dizziness and nightmares. This is very important.
However, EFT addresses the remaining aspects of the injury that disrupt the relationship, such as difficulties.
- Trust and build long-term relationships
- Attract
- Show empathy
- Negotiate personal needs
- Feeling loved and valued
These are often best handled in a secure romantic relationship. EFT helps partners build this type of relationship. EFT does not blame or try to prove who is wrong.
Instead, it helps partners form alliances, work together with empathy and kindness to strengthen friendships and recognize that enemies are not one another, but those models learned in childhood to survive emotional distress.
EFT is under anger and anxiety and relieves tender emotions that invite safety and attention. In doing so, EFT offers great hope for the restoration of marital love that the partner desires.
The next post will find out how EFT accomplishes this.
References:
Susan M. Johnson (2005). Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy with Trauma Survivors: Strengthening Attachment Bonds. NY: Guilford.Schiraldi, G. R. (2021). The Adverse Childhood Experiences Recovery Workbook. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
About the Author
Glenn R. Schiraldi, PhD, has worked at the College of Stress Management at the Pentagon, the International Crisis Stress Foundation, and the University of Maryland, where he received the Outstanding Teacher Award in addition to other teaching / service awards. His 14 books on stress-related topics have been translated into seventeen languages and include workbooks, rescue, negative childhood experiences, workbooks, self-esteem. The Resilience Workbook, and The Post-Taumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook. Founder of Resilience Training International (www.ResilienceFirst.com) He has trained paramedics and physicians around the world on a wide range of aspects of stress, injury and resilience.
Written by Glenn R. Schiraldi Ph.D.
Originally Appeared on Psychology Today
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
1. What do child injuries look like in adults?
Childhood trauma in adults does not always look like grief, it often presents as control. Think that people who are satisfied find it difficult to trust others, overreact to minor conflicts, or block out emotions when things become real. Some adults become perfect, fearing failure. Others avoid intimacy altogether to maintain “safety”. It can also look like anxiety, self-destruction, or a sense of responsibility for the feelings of everyone but you. Patterns rooted in survival skills learned too quickly.
2. How do past injuries affect a marriage?
Past injuries tend to sneak into marriages through small things, not big conflicts. The partner asks, “Where are you?” Can immediately feel like an accusation. Silence during debate can read as abandonment rather than just needing space. Injuries often present with problems of confidence, emotional closure, jealousy, or overreaction to seemingly trivial things because the nervous system is reacting to old injuries, not just the present.
3. What is the most difficult wound to heal?
Childhood trauma is often considered the most difficult to treat; It’s not an event, but an environment in which you grow up, showing how you see relationships and security before you have a word for it. Complex PTSD caused by repeated or prolonged trauma rather than a single incident is equally difficult because it affects identity, emotional control, and trust. Treatment usually requires real time and support, often with a therapist with information on the injury.
